Indecisive

33

Delilah's POV
Sep 29th 2023
Time: 12:30pm

My leg bounces up and down with anticipation as I sit in my desk, while my teacher runs her mouth about assignments being turned in too late.

I've been having the urge to write for almost a week now, but today I feel like is my breaking point.

I mean I could if I wanted to, a piece of paper and pen, but it's not the same.

I've been writing in that journal for 4 years.

Months after my abuela died I didn't even want to touch the journal, but now it's become apart of me. It's a connection I have with her and no one else.

She was my favorite person... she still is.

Grayson's been calling my phone back to back and the guilt of having sex with Dante is eating me alive.

I don't know if it's because I lost my virginity to Dante... out of all people, or if it's because I did it out of revenge.

If you would have told me a week ago from now that I had sex with Dante I would have laughed in your face.

I can't blame anyone but myself. It's not Dante's fault because I allowed it.

And then the simple thought of Grayson and Maya.... I can't even comprehend.

Once Hazel picked me up from Dante's house she already knew what I had done, and she didn't judge me for it, which made me upset because I deserve to be judged.

I shouldn't have reacted out of anger. I would've been better off opening the door on them, then to do what I did.

Even if Grayson and Maya had sex that night, it was wrong for me to have sex with Dante just to get back at him.

I wish I could just erase these pass couple of months and have a fresh start, because I'm truly exhausted.

Hazel's been telling me that Graysons been wanting to talk to me so bad, but I feel like if I hear the sound of his voice I'll break down in tears.

I'm already on the verge of tears as I'm thinking about all of this.

All these mistakes I keep making, that keep piling up like junk mail.

I asked Hazel, to ask him, what him and Maya did in the room, but she refuses because she doesn't wanna get in between me and his "mess".

She thinks that's we need stop talking through her and just talk to eachother likes adults because we basically are adults.

It's crazy to me that I'm graduating in nearly 9 months and then I'll be going to college. It's crazy to me that high school is literally only a fraction of my life, but right now it feels like everything and so much more, and I have so much more to live for then to be stressed out over boys... over a boy.

I think the best thing for me to do is just reach out to him, because we need to talk about anything and everything.

I'm not gonna keep going through this "he said, she said" bullshit, and " getting cheated on while not even in a relationship with the person."

I slide my phone from my back pocket and open messages between me and Hazel.

Me, "hazel... should i see him this weekend??"

She replied back almost instantly.

Hazel, " I alr told you yes, he wants to talk to you so bad, D... I think he's really sorry".

Me, "sorry? sorry about what... so they did have sex".

Hazel, "Idk i didn't ask, it's not my place to, it's yours".