amaranthine ⋒ h.s

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑭𝑰𝑭𝑻𝒀-𝑭𝑰𝑽𝑬

(CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE)

I'M fucking terrified.

For the past thirty minutes, I've been pacing in my kitchen, waiting for my phone to ring. I haven't been able to think about anything else ever since Jamie called last night and said Harry would be able to talk after breakfast the next day. I'm not quite sure what time breakfast is for him, so I got up at eight am. I'm making my own breakfast with Pongo right at my side waiting for bacon. I knew Harry wanted to talk, I just didn't expect it to be so soon. So, you could say I'm a little bit nervous. Just a little.

It's the anticipation that's killing me. I don't know when exactly he's going to call and now that it's going on eleven, I know it has to be soon. But I need to calm down because I don't want to make him feel weird when he's on the phone with me.

"I can do this, right?" I asked Pongo for the tenth time. He's just watching me lose my fucking mind from the couch. He seems a little better, but it's only been a day, so I'm not expecting him to be excited about much right now. "You're right. It's no big deal. Except that, it's been two months. Oh, god. What if I say something stupid or insensitive? Why is this so hard?" I rubbed at my eyes hard, really wanting to crawl back into bed and worry about this some other time, but I do need to speak to him. For clarification if nothing else.

My phone buzzed and I froze. But it was just a text message from Sam asking what I was doing. I groaned. I forgot about that. Not that I have to explain myself, but I feel like I should mention it. Maybe not now. Definitely not now.

I was just about to go take a nervous pee when my phone started ringing for real this time. I cursed to myself and rushed over to the counter, seeing the familiar phone number on the screen.

"What the fuck," I cursed again before hurrying to put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

It was silent for a few moments. I wasn't sure if the call disconnected or what, but right as I went to say hello again, he spoke up.

"Hi." He sounded tired. Just from one word. I didn't know what to say next, but some part of me was just glad I got to hear his voice again.

"How are you?" I blurted out, scolding myself for even asking. I'm panicking, I need to calm down.

"Can you give me a second?"

"Sure."

"I just need a minute to . . . think. I can't—" He took a deep breath before he started crying. Nothing could have prepared me for hearing that. It made me feel sick that he was upset enough to cry. I can't imagine what he's been through in the past few weeks or however long he'd been using.

I had no idea what to say. He seemed to be trying to catch his breath, but it was too much for me to listen to, so I had to pull the phone away for a second. I'll cry if I hear any more.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I just, um, I'm trying. Hold on."

"That's okay. Take your time." After he took a few more breaths and cleared his throat, he started talking.

"Thought I'd be able to do this without crying. Fuck," I wished I could give him a hug more than anything. I hate hearing him upset and not being able to directly do anything about it. "I have a lot I need to say and I want to set everything out on the table. So, I hope you can listen if you're not busy. And I know I have no right to ask you that, but maybe you could give me a pass just this time?"

"Sure. Go for it." I sat down on the couch next to Pongo and focused on running my hand down his back, just trying to calm myself.

"I've had the past twelve days or so to work out what I wanted to say if you ever wanted to speak to me again and I want to start by saying I'm sorry," It was quiet for a second. "I know you hate when I say that, but I truly am sorry for the way I treated you. You didn't deserve that at all. I feel like I've been saying that since I met you, but it's true. I fuck up a lot and I've tried to do better, but we see how that's turned out."