Harry Styles Shots

34. Saudade.

Saudade:

(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains"

********

I sighed as I read the last text he sent.

"I won, goodnight."

Was what he wrote before he went to sleep, I sighed again as I plopped down on my bed.

This isn't working out for me, no matter how many guys I talk to, or go to, I always search for him in everyone.

I miss him if I'm being honest, I've never felt lonelier.

Harry and I were an off and on situationship, although I wished for it to be more.

He was the perfect guy for me, he literally had no flaws, the guy you spend your whole life dreaming about? Yes, that's the one.

From the moment I layed my eyes on him, I knew he was gonna be something special, but I didn't know leaving him would hurt to me to the brink of not knowing how to live anymore.

We have something, or had. I thought we were perfect for each other, don't know if he thought so too, but I felt like it'd be something so much more.

I met Harry about a year and a half ago, we instantly clicked. We had so much in common, I felt like we understood each other beyond levels, whenever I was with him, it felt like...home.

He was so pretty, had the perfect set of green eyes, with his pointy nose and his kissable lips. His sexy stubble and his comforting voice. I never wished for my time to end with him.

Or the way he'd treat me like I was something fragile, something that would break at any second. That doesn't mean that we didn't fight jokingly every once in a while, that's basically what we did.

He was always there for me when I needed him, made me feel included in everything he did, always made sure I never doubted my self, gave me a feeling no one has ever given me before. 

It's like he actually, cared?

It was almost too perfect to be true.

and it was.

Maybe Harry did feel something for me or it was all an act, I'm still not sure, I still ask why but I never seem to get the answer. It will always be a mystery to me.

Throughout all what we had, the time we spent together and the intimate moments that happened between us, he wasn't ready for something serious, and that broke my heart.

Because god was I ready for everything for him. I would've done anything for him. But if he doesn't meet me halfway, what's the point?

So I left. I couldn't bear it.

He was too hurt to get into something serious, afraid it might hurt again, what he didn't know, was that he was damaging me as well.

But what's my fault in this? Why am I being punished for something I didn't want in the first place? He hurt me in the process, I didn't deserve that, especially because of how much I cared for him and loved him.

When I left it was hell, I couldn't eat or sleep for weeks. I got so much skinner and my face was basically lifeless.

No matter how much I tried, he was always there. On the streets, in cars, in supermarkets, literally everywhere and everything I could think of.

It became unbearable and I couldn't keep my distance any longer. So I went back.

And when I did? I've never felt more like at home. It first it was a bit crooked, but then, it was like I never left.