Pink Pansies ✺ A Pedro Pascal A.U.

Chapter 20: Out in the Open

"I don't think you know what you've done to me."

Like a stone skipped in a pond I could somehow see the rippling effect of his words. They carried the potential for multiple meanings that spread out far and wide. Perhaps this was the path of becoming more serious.

It was suddenly too much for me and I felt a twinge of regret.

"You should probably go wash your hands." The logical thing to do served as an excuse to separate myself from him.

"Yeah, I suppose so." He sighed and pulled himself up and out of my bed. I didn't have to direct him to the bathroom since it was such a small space and it was obvious. Out in the open in a way.

Out in the open. The phrase led to rumination in the few moments I was alone. The way he broke the silence added up with little confessions over the past few weeks made it fairly clear that I was occupying quite a bit of air time on the radio of his thoughts. I liked knowing that I was desired, but too much too early felt suffocating in a way. I couldn't explain it, and maybe it was period brain, maybe it was past experiences and my attachment style, but I suddenly didn't want to be on this path.

"How do you feel?" He returned, a warm glow lighting up his face.

"Great." A diluted smile with an even weaker conviction.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" He queried softly, the glow dissipating.

"Pedro, am I the only person you're seeing right now?" I looked up at him with what I intended to be an inviting expression.

His brow furrowed as he scanned my face. It was obvious that was not what he was expecting. He stood there silently for a moment.

"I mean, do you still use the app we met on?"

"I know what you meant." He sighed and bit his lip, eyes darted across the room. I was under the impression he was worried he might say the wrong thing, or that he assumed this was a trick question. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts.

"You don't have to walk on eggshells or censor yourself about it. It's ok. I'm asking from a place of curiosity, not insecurity."

He looked back at me tentatively, "I'm just wondering where it came from."

Now it was my turn to pick my words carefully. "Well, I wasn't quite sure how to take what you said. It felt like maybe this is getting serious." I paused, then definitely out of insecurity said, "I don't know."

"I guess we were going to have this conversation sooner or later. Can I sit?" The fact that he asked kind of hurt but I suppose he was feeling slightly uncomfortable that I brought this up right after being intimate.

I nodded and patted the spot next to me. "Sorry, I need to work on my timing." I smiled up at him, trying to cut the slight tension between us.

"No, it's ok." He looked over at me and we held each other's gaze. "Honestly, I'm not looking for something serious right now. My schedule is full enough as it is. And yeah, I have been talking to a few other people but right now you're the only person I'm making any time for. I'm attracted to you for many different reasons and I really enjoy spending time with you. But I can dial it back if it's making you uncomfortable."

I thought back to my conversation with Lane. I think it opened me up to the idea of exploring my own understanding of intimacy. Sex and being a prospective partner do not need to exist on opposite ends of a spectrum. There can be a balance. A middle ground. While it's been confusing, I think I finally have some clarity on how I feel.

"Emi?" Pedro asked, "Everything alright?" He appeared nervous, like he was teetering on the edge of regret.

"Yeah, I really appreciate your honesty." I replied.