The Twins (Five Hargreeves x Male OC)

Chapter 13.5 - What If?

TW: Suicidal Ideation

It was usually on nights like these were he didn't understand how he had made it this far.

On nights, where everything was perfect. You could see the stars, and the world was quiet for once.

It was on nights like these, that he'd stare at the pavement from high above.

Xavion never understood why he felt this way sometimes. He felt like nothing he ever did was helpful, or good enough. And, since coming to this establishment, the feeling only grew. It seemed like the only thing he's done since he got here was mess things up.

The Umbrella Academy had a flow, like a river. Sure, it was a rocky river; it had its' bumps and rough edges, but a river nonetheless. A river that flowed no matter what.

He felt like a dam.

Something that stopped its flow all together. And although it wasn't his fault, he still was blocking the flow.

Five didn't need him. He knew that. If anything, Xavion was just an assistant that Five keeps around to make himself feel smarter.

Xavion looked at the ground below from the fire escape, noting that pavement had never looked so soft. He didn't know what time it was, but he knew it was late enough that no one would notice until morning.

He shook his head. What was wrong with him? He was trapped here. He has no way of getting home. It's not his fault.

But he could try. He always could've tried. He could've ran. He could've done so much more than just take Reginalds' word for it. That his own mother didn't want him.

Xavion looked down again, his fingers tensing around the peeling red paint on the metal bars, the ones keeping him from toppling forward, like a jenga tower. "Come on, you coward," he thought to himself, "they'll have you cleaned up before it could ruin their reputation." He could feel his eyes burning, that familiar sensation. The one he wouldn't dare show in front of someone again. He messed up once, never another time will it happen.

He let out a sigh that he definitely knew he was holding. He always held his breath when he started tearing up, it made him feel like a balloon. If he held it long enough, the air might seep back in. Xavion slowly lowered himself into a seated position, resting his forehead on the bar in front of him. After what seemed like forever, he opened his eyes. The tears that were there before were gone. Xavion looked to the sky, and he spoke.

"God?" He began. "I don't know what you were thinking, if you're even there in the first place. I don't know what made you think it was a swell idea to do this to me." He swallowed shakily. "I don't know if this is some kind of test of faith, because I don't believe you exist.. but if you do, God.." Xavion squeezed his eyes shut, the last part of his soliloquy hoarse and stifled. "Show me why I shouldn't slip through these bars right now."

"It's freezing, why are you out here." Xavion whipped his head around. Five rubbed his eye with the heel of his hand. "And who are you talking to?" All the adrenaline that was pumping through his veins was gone; he felt like a sack of flour.

"No one. Just.. myself." Xavion went back to his former position. Five was right, it was cold. I guess he didn't take that into account. Five stayed where he was at the window, expecting more.

"So, you're just.. sitting in the freezing cold night? Talking to yourself?" The tone of his voice made Xavion wish he would've done it sooner. Of course, once again, he was an issue. "I don't mean to burden you, princess. Aren't you a super genius? Close the window if you're cold.." Xavion didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't want to push him away. But he felt like he had too. Maybe this was the only way.