You Would Never Know

XIII | Just Admit It

Sunrises feel burdensome when you want to sleep more, but the nights you spend awake leading up to witnessing a beautiful sunrise make you feel like you have your life together, even if your eye is twitching from lack of sleep.

I have a serious eye-twitching case currently. My whole week being here seemed like it would be a fairytale; it wasn't.

The designs were scattered all over the room all night until natural light started seeping in, making me turn off the headache-inducing lamp.

Work was hectic even when I wasn't in the office. I kept brainstorming ideas for the next project; just because we're finishing one doesn't mean we can take a break.

This next project is meant to be an expression of new beginnings; it's practically a tradition for us. Each take on this tradition has its own characteristics.

It's a tradition that Papa started after Juman's 10-year anniversary. After every anniversary collection, we celebrate with another, in which we express our views on what a new beginning is.

Not so surprising; each time it's a new vision, which just adds to the moral story that we're not the same people we were yesterday.

This is my first time designing for this theme because my father was the one who did it the last four times.

Papa did this like second nature, while I, on the other hand, couldn't even sleep for a minute all night trying to make something out of nothing. Comparing myself, who has humble experience, to Papa is a bit too much considering his experience, but the desire to at least be worthy of this opportunity is huge.

Not only that, but taking the concept into consideration, it's a challenge for me considering how I'm trapped in my own past nostalgia. It feels hypocritical to talk about new beginnings when I'm not allowing myself to look forward, as if my past is more enrapturing than my present.

I was detached yet, at the same time, deeply engrossed. That's how I am with my past self, and it wasn't my intention, but with how disappointed I was with the way she acted and accepted what was being inflicted on her, I became someone who looks down upon her yet is constantly seeking to help her.

From how I jump from one feeling to the other that contradicts, both directed at me, now I try to at least be neutral when it comes to me.

Personally, the stereotypical view of self-love has never worked for me. There's a pressure that I should maintain a certain attitude towards myself, and it always felt like it invalidated everything I felt. From my point of view, the idea of self-love is the acceptance of these feelings.

Taking into account both my blessings and the challenges thrown at me, the expectation to feel content and good about myself is at times unrealistic and impractical.

People held me in high regard, but they didn't know that I was my biggest critic. Every day I regret the matters of yesterday, forgetting the matters of today; this is my reality.

But the more I sat with myself, the more I realized this didn't excuse my lack of acknowledgment of my surroundings.

When I returned from London, my purpose was to connect with those I had left behind. At times I did a good job with that, and at times I didn't, because I didn't properly acknowledge my responsibilities, and my surroundings excused me when I didn't deserve that.

Just because I'm physically present doesn't mean I'm still there emotionally, and truthfully, that won't change in one day. I'm aware of my seesawing emotions. I'm still on the run even when I'm back home, and I'm aware that I'm hurting myself and the people who are trying to withstand this pain in silence by not adding more to mine.