You Would Never Know

XVI | Hope in the Unknown

Maybe it's the occasion that's making me feel poetic, but I've come to the realization that mankind, which day by day pushes itself away from nature, doesn't realize how it lives within us. Nature, which lived everywhere for a long time, turned out to find home within us humans, just like we found it in nature.

A connection that I never noticed before: the stormy days match the frustration and whirlwind of emotions within us; the sunny days match the warmth and contentment that oozes out of us; the rainy days match the anguish we shed in the form of tears; in fact, we should thank the sky at times because it cries with us and confuses others, whether it's the rain or our bottled emotions that are dangling on our lashes and kissing our cheeks; and the foggy days, this one in particular, match how I'm feeling right now: confused, lost, yet hopeful. Hope in the unknown.

Feeling confused and lost mostly has to do with being hungover from last night's bad decisions, but the majority is due to the bond I will be sealing.

The fogginess within has me at a loss for words and direction. I don't know the difference between what my gut is telling me and what my heart and mind are telling me.

All of them seem wrong, but at the same time, they all feel right.

That's how I felt and thought as my eyes endlessly lingered on the white dress.

The creamy material felt like it would flow freely like a river. I'm sure it would feel like it.

Despite its hypnotic beauty, I couldn't fight the melancholy that was seeping its way out because this dress is a symbol of how Lanvin thought of me. In a moment like this, I yearned to have my dear friend with me, but I couldn't be so selfish and let him witness this day.

I desperately wanted to dry out the tears that wanted to drip out of my eyes, so I looked up while fanning my face to soothe the volcano of emotions. "God, I need to get a hold of myself." I spoke to myself.

Lanvin was a friend so dear to me that I tried my best to protect him from the world, but I couldn't protect him from me, someone who'd break his heart inevitably.

No part of me was able to regret it, though, because I knew deep down that Abel was the one I'd end up with, and it wasn't the pressure of our families or anything like that; it was just how no one could ever stand beside me the way Abel did.

My emotions kept overpowering me, so I tried my best to stay calm and pulled my hair up from my neck while fanning myself to cool myself down.

"Ms. Bernardi, you'll ruin your hair and makeup. Let me lower the temperature instead." My assistant was clearly worried. "Please do; thank you."

My hair was straightened and parted in the middle while pinned on either side with thin pearled pins so it could stay out of my face, while it was left loose to flow down, reaching my thighs. The makeup was light and dewy, but there was a slight emphasis on the eyes to brighten my green eyes, but what's currently brightening my eyes are the endless tears.

My eyes are like a fucking faucet right now.

Speaking of crying, I've never cried so much in front of strangers. I literally made my assistant wait five minutes so I could finish my meltdown before I let her and the ladies do their work. My makeup artist was on edge the whole time but was still understanding and made sure to use as many waterproof products as she could.

With the way I was crying, I looked like I was forced into this marriage; it was just bad. It made me consider making these ladies sign an NDA. I was aware it was going to be bad; that's why I didn't allow Abel to see me all day, giving him anything to do to distract him, but not bad enough for me to not know how to compose myself in front of these ladies.