You Would Never Know

XXVI | Swan Dive

Humans are more complex than we think. We could be hopeful yet doubtful, content yet ambitious, brave yet afraid, peaceful yet chaotic, loyal yet uncommitted, and selfless yet selfish. We're a perfectly imperfect balance of everything that contradicts.

Right now, I'm physically at peace as I'm being kneaded and massaged, turning my whole body into jello, but my mind is working harder than ever. And within, I'm filled with everything that contradicts peace.

For years, I've been a badly coded robot, but now I can't stop being human. I impulsively came back to Italy, intensified my search for Rayne, married Abel, found out about a side of my family and friends I didn't know they had, and lost my father and a friend.

For the first time, I didn't avoid crying and let my emotions guide me wherever they were going to take me. And this overflow of emotions has been going on for some time now, and it'll go on for longer; I just knew I wouldn't be stopping soon.

To finally feel emotions so raw—like a fresh wound, even the slightest breeze could be sensed—made me feel present for once. Instead of being caught up in an inner turmoil that has endlessly occupied my mind and heart, I'm present. I feel the slightest breeze, wince in pain, and shiver while my tears seep out on the spot, instead of delaying the raw emotions.

It's bitter that it took someone's life for me to snap back to reality, but that's how it is.

Even when my sanity fell off that cliff, I never allowed my world to take a break. I never allowed my world to stop spinning, even when I was getting dizzy. But when I returned, my soul took the chance and poured itself out. Fortunately for my soul, I didn't realize that it was escaping the shackles I put on while I was distracted with putting up a front, a front that yelled, "I'm composed," and whispered, "I'm on the brink of insanity."

This makes me question if there's something in the air that allowed me to do that.

Maybe, maybe not, but one thing is for sure: this feeling is addictive. And I fear getting addicted to it. The feeling of being raw, shameless, and uncomposed.

For the longest time, insanity and loneliness were my only companions, and I hated them for holding on to me so tightly and yearned to replace them with what I once had, but now, despite insanity still being my companion and loneliness being forgotten from time to time with the distractions, I don't yearn to jump down that cliff to look for my sanity. If sanity wants to return to me, it'll know where to find me.

I let the tears trickle down my side as I inhaled deeply. I wasn't ashamed to be seen crying, and for some reason, I felt empowered yet stripped to the point where nothing was hiding my ugly anymore.

If my soul has already poured itself out, what if it's refilling itself now?

Could this be another cycle in my life?

For some reason, I'm looking forward to it finally overflowing instead of being empty. I'm done with the phase of being an empty vessel, and I'm now ready for what's next.

"Diana, Esmeralda." They both hummed in tune, indicating their listening.

"One day, my soul will overflow, and I'll have enough to pour all whom I love a cup, overflowing theirs. I promise."

Diana's breath hitched, and her voice was wavering but quiet and soothing: "You will, and I look forward to that."

"One day, dear, one day." Esmeralda shared her serene and loving aura just by uttering those five words.

We welcomed the comfortable silence that engulfed us as we relished the rest of this one-hour session.

This was our last activity after a long morning of shopping and then packing. Our flight was in the afternoon, and Abel told us that everything was ready and everyone was arriving one by one.