Gaining Control

Chapter Thirteen

Lucy POV

I walked into the room following the doctor. She takes a seat then gestures towards the other for me to sit in. I look all around the room trying to take it all in, I look everywhere apart from her.

"Hey, so my name is Helen, I'll be your therapist for a while. I'm always here if you need me, for now your session is once a week but that can change as and when we feel it's best for you. Why don't you tell me about yourself?" she starts talking, I look down at my lap and play with my fingers. I remember what nat said I have to talk, to be honest, this is gonna be shit.

"Well I'm Lucy, I'm 22 and there's not much else to say really" I shrug not knowing what else to say or tell her.

"Sometimes getting started can be hard, would it be easier if I ask questions for you to answer?" she smiles at me while talking, I nod my head at her while looking at the floor.

Over the next hour and half she asks me loads of questions, where I came from, what I did in hydra, where I went when I ran, and of course always asks me how I feel about everything. I was so tired, at least it should be over soon.

"How many times have you thought about suicide or tried to kill yourself?" she asks while looking up at me from her notebook. I fidget in my seat not wanting to talk about this really.

"I guess I thought about it for years since I was about 12, just a way to leave hydra, tried a few times but they always stopped me or saved me. After I escaped it was never that bad again, till after the accident last year, I really thought about it but in the end just chose to move here. Friday night was the first time in years I tried to do anything but I already feel bad about it, I'm glad Wanda saved me" I mumble my answer out while playing with my fingers. I start picking at the skin around my nails, she reaches into a drawer behind her and brings out a toy which she puts into my hands.

"Play with that instead of picking your fingers, ok?" I nod my head while playing with the cube in my hands.

"What were you feeling on Friday night?" she asks after making some notes.

"Umm I guess empty, like once everything came out I felt broken, I'm not sure why but after 2 weeks with Nat it felt like I was whole again and losing that just hurt too much. I couldn't go home or anything, I would have had to start again but I didn't want to, fed up of starting over again and again" I answered her, still looking down. Praying this will end soon.

"When was the last time you hurt yourself?" she asks softly.

"On Friday, it's what I did first to stop the pain" my arms move closer to my body, feeling so insecure right now.

"So we are finished today, I'm not ready to sign you off yet for missions, until then I would like to see you twice a week so Tuesdays and Fridays at 3pm, once you no longer need it we can go back to once a week, ok?" she put her notebook on the table next to her, looking at me while she explains her plan. I pull a face when she says two session a week, fuck no, one is bad enough.

"I don't need two a week, one is fine, I'm fine" I try to argue with her, I look up at her meeting her eyes, I'm not gonna win.

"Well I do, and Fury will agree with me. I know that you think you're fine but I can tell you're still holding a few things back. Here's my number too, if you want to hurt yourself or anything else I want you to phone or text me, talk to me about it" she explains and I sigh in defeat.

"I guess I'll see you Friday then" I say unhappy, standing up and offering her the toy back. She shakes her head and tells me to keep it instead of hurting myself. She opens the door for me and I walk out of her room into the waiting room to Wanda.