Family away from family

Chapter 17. No such thing as too many tears

30 July 2021

I frantically wake up in tears. My bed feels wet from all the sweating and crying I have done last night. To say I feel awful is an understatement.

It's still early and I got all the time of the world to make myself ready for leaving this place. Is it weird it feels foreign? I feel like I'm an intruder in my own house.

Beth and Jordan are still sleeping, although I don't think Beth really closed an eye as well. She definitely thought about it a lot and that makes me feel guiltier. I didn't only made matters worse for Lucy and I but also for Beth and Daan. I hate myself for letting it get this far.

That's it I hate myself.

I do my best not to think too much about it and go on with preparing myself for our departure. When I'm in the middle of eating some breakfast, Beth comes downstairs. We don't share a word or bat an eye at each other. We definitely are in the ignoring stage.

That's probably the worst feeling, Beth really is a best friend of mine and now we are not even looking at each other. I don't even know if we are madder at each other or feel more guilt or even think the kiss was what we needed.

To be fair I really needed some physical contact but I don't think this was the best way to get it. Like we could have cuddled, falling asleep in each other's arms and leave it at that like friends. Like we always do, but why was it different this time?

I decided to not tell Lucy about the shared kiss until she comes back. She needs to focus on winning that quarter final and I can't throw this news on her some hours before the game. I really hope Beth isn't going to tell Daan, because then Lucy will probably hear it through her and that's something I absolutely don't want to happen.

We eat in pure silence. You can hear a pin drop. After some time, Jordan joins us. Oblivious about the disaster that took place last night after she went to bed. "Good morning my friends, ready for all the fun to start?" She beams out utterly happy about pre-season starting again.

Beth and I both let out a hmm looking Jordan's way. "Alright, what's with the tension?" Jordan asks putting her hands up in defence.

We stay silent and continue eating. She gets the hint and continuous with her morning routine.

Once we are all done we make our way to my car. This will be one hell of a car ride, I'm not looking forward to it at all but here we go.

As predicted the whole way back to London Beth and I don't share one word with each other. Jordan tries to get us to speak about what happened, but gives up after her fifth try. For the remainder of the ride all three of us stay silent. Jordan only at some point asks if we need to switch so I don't have to drive all the way. But I don't mind, driving gives me something to do and distracts me.

First, we drop off Jordan. Another great thing about this trip, she is first in line of the route we ride to my home.

Now it's only Beth and me in my car. She stays seated in the back, which is probably for the best. Having Beth sitting next to me won't make this better. We drive up to her house and she gets everything out of her car.

To my surprise she speaks up. "Do you tell Lucy about this?" She asks almost in a whisper.

She must have thought about it a lot. Do I or do I not tell Daan about this? Just like me.

"Not now, I will do it when she gets back from Tokyo, you?" I answer.

"Same, glad we are on the same page." After those words she walks away from my car and leaves me behind.