The Wounds of Our Past // Gerard Way x reader

19. gerard.

i can't do this...

these people...

the guys...

she...

she... doesn't need this.

she doesn't deserve this.

he was right all along...

im too old for her...

and they're all going to see that tonight.

i can't help but look at her the way i do...

and i know how she looks at me.

everyone will be able to tell.

everyone will say im taking advantage of her.

they will all hate me...

and soon,

she will hate me too.

so...

i have to make her hate me,

before they do.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

I finally made it to the arena! They body guards snuck me in before Mikey, given the situation with Gerard. I gotta find him quick. Im scared of what he might do to himself. Im hoping that Im just letting my fears get the best of me. I ran trying to find his dressing room. I had my "disguise" on. It was weighing me down but I didn't care. I needed to find Gerard. After about ten minutes of running, i finally found it.

I knocked.

"Gee, baby? It's me! Please unlock the door... I need to see you! Im so worried about you, dear!"

Silence.

I knocked again.

"Please Gerard! I need you, baby please!"

Again, silence.

"Gerard please! You don't have to even open the damn door! Just let me know you're okay! Just give me something, please baby! You're scaring me..."

Suddenly the door creaked open, he was standing right in front of me. His hair was in tangles and his eyes were red, puffy, and sore. The second I saw him I held him so tightly in my arms. "I love you, Gee..." I quietly breathed into his shoulder. He froze up on me. I finally let go. "You should sit down, please." He said blankly, and pointed at a small couch in the corner.

My stomach dropped. I don't know what he has up his sleeve, but it was scaring me. I sat down where he pointed, he, however, sat opposite of me. We were facing each other. I started to get nauseous, but I held it back. It could be nothing...

"I don't love you."  He said simply. Like it was fact.

... what...? How? I- I thought? What?

"Huh...? What- what do you mean?" I said quickly.

He sighed, "I mean, I don't love you anymore. I don't think I ever did. I was just living a stupid lie with you. I don't want my fans out there tonight thinking we're something we are not. I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. We are through. I don't want to speak to you, or you speak to me, unless we have to."  

I couldn't breathe. I felt tears running down my face, but I wasn't forcing them out. My heart beat started getting so loud. It was in my ears. Drowning everything out. Everything was so hot... so uncomfortably hot. What were they even talking about? He loves me! I know he does... I- I saw it! I felt loved by him! It wasn't a stupid lie, it was the truth! I stood up.

"What are you taking about? I- I know you love me! And I love you too! You can't do this to me, Gerard! Im in love with you! I want to marry you! I don't want anyone else!  ...Why am I never enough?! Why do you not believe me?"

"You are wrong. I don't love you. I never will. You are not the love of my life. I don't want to marry you.... But, there is something you got right..."

I raised my eyebrow.

"You are never enough."

I fell to my knees. I was pathetic. I couldn't help but let out a choked sob. It wasn't my fault. My ears started ringing and I started hyperventilating, I knew what was coming. I was having a panic attack in front of- my ex. And he wouldn't care. Because he doesn't love me. And he never did... I just let myself be humiliated in front it him.

I looked up at him briefly. It was on accident. He was clutching his pants and tears were falling from his face. He- He cares?! Even if it's a little, he cares! I crawled up to him and begged him for anything! Everything!

"Y/n, I can't."

"YES YOU CAN!" I sobbed. "YOU CAN! TELL ME WHY YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE! WHAT DID I DO?! TELL ME!" I sobbed into his knees. I was embarrassing myself.

He just stayed silent. He breathed in and out slowly...
He handed me his phone. It was already on an article. I grabbed it and began reading. It was about older men dating younger women. I looked up at him.

"Is this the reason...?"

"Of course it is!" He finally broke. He started sobbing with me. "Y/n, I love you so much! I don't want to ruin your career! I don't want people to convince you that I'm talking advantage of you! I don't want you to suffer anymore! Especially because of me!"

"Why couldn't you just tell me THAT!" I grabbed him and held him tight. He held me tighter. "You're so stupid!" He just nodded. "I don't care about any of that! I love you! I want to be with you! I don't care if people have a problem with that!"

"So, will you take me back?" He gave me sad little eyes. How could I ever say no to that... "Of course I will! Just don't do these things, EVER!" He nodded and held me tight.

His phone dropped.

I went to pick it up. I saw the time...

We had an hour and a half to finish getting ready. I looked at my reflection. My makeup was ruined.

Then, an idea popped into my head...