To my Dearest Friend

Why

I arrive at my apartment. I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. I feel so bad for everything that has happened today. Why did I kiss him? I look at my desk. There's a letter from England. Oh no, what have I done. I open the letter, it's handwritten. I begin to read, he threw the party of the century. He would never have done it if I was still there. I just know he got into trouble with his father. He knew too. Why did he do this. And the tone of this letter almost seems like it's ridiculing me. Who is Vincent Lorenzo. Charles from Oxford? what does he have to do with all this Oh and of course Oscar introduced him. French-italian. Oh yeah what did he call it again? exotic. A clipping from an article, does he want to make me jealous? I'm not going to play that game. I arrive at the bottom of the letter when I notice that instead of his normal ending, your dearest friend, it's just your friend. I take a breath. I'm losing him. I really am.

I lay down on my bed. I sigh. What did I do? what did I think? Why did I run? I feel a lone tear rolling down my cheek. I'm so daft. I feel like all my doubt is collapsing now that I have t to choose between these two people. I already left my Yves I still have a chance with Émile right? But I still love Yves. Why? Why do humans have to love? I grab a cigarette. I haven't smoked in a while but I just feel the need at the moment. I grab my copy of the picture of Dorian Gray with his annotation. I smile as I see the elegant handwriting. One professor would always tell him that they're just words, not paintings. He told him his handwriting was feminine. Yves would respond with: 'your appearance is not much of art either but it seems you spent a lot of time on it too sir.' I remember that he almost got expelled for doing things that weren't appropriate twice. Once he called his professor a foul pig in latin for talking about a woman in a disrespectful way and saying everybody with feminine traits should not be allowed into the University because they could not even speak proper latin. The second one was that he got in trouble for denying there was a god while most people attending class were still a part of the church or England. Both or those instances he was saved by his father's money. I still laugh when I see professor pig as we call him. Our whole year group would call him pig behind his back. We were so young and we had so many dreams. We knew we would do so much that would help this world. And now, what have I done to help this earth?