To my Dearest Friend

oh so cold

I look at Katherina, everytime I see her there's this strange conflict of feelings that starts again. Every time I see her I realise her utter perfection, I see her shining beauty, I see her. The beginning of her soul, but strangely it seems I don't care for it. It's like I am offered the brightest star in the shy but I still want the little one in the corner of the universe. Like I am offered the best champagne in the world but I still long for the handmade applejuice I used to drink as a child. Even when I admire her I can't get myself to begin to love her. And still, I genuinely wish I could everytime I see her. It would make it so much easier. It would solve so many cracks in this mask, it would solve the putrid smell of this hopelessly rotting soul. It would fix the crystal tears in my eyes that are too precious to fall but hurt my eyes. But she is so beautiful, she's divine, she is utterly beautiful. Like a precious china doll, too perfect to be real. But alas, she is.

I smile as I notice that she is mouthing the words to the opera, she is so similar to me. Perhaps a little too similar. I put my hand on her hand, she softly squezzes it twice and looks at me with a smile before looking back at the stage. She seems to love the opera. I hand her my opera glasses, it seems she forgot her own. And I have seen this one enough times to know it with may eyes closed. She studies the stage as if it is her Thesis, I wonder which one was the first opera was that she saw. I smile, she makes me happier than I normally am. But it's not that golden feeling of belonging I once felt, it's not the feeling that you've found the place where you can be yourself and no one will judge you, but even with this I don't see a good reason not to marry her. She is rich, beautiful, she seems to like me and she makes me at certainly a bit happy. I look at the little curl that fell out of her updo. it's the same lock that was so stubborn in his hair, he would always have that same little curl. I curse the coincedence and bless it at the same time. Because her similarities to my love seem to soften the blow of the fact I've lost him. I smile what a beautiful noose this is, hanging above this beautiful world, the rope is adorned with flowers, it softens the blow of this horrible picture of death, of giving up.

She frolicks through the dark streets of Vienna, I try to keep up with her which with results in a rather strange pace. I look at her, she is frolicking to a fro side to side of the streets while singing and I guess dancing. I look at her with an amused smile on my mask. 'come on Yves' she says as she grabs my hand. I shake my head but she looks at me with adorable eyes. I sigh and twirl her, hoping dancing is a better alternative to frolicking. And there we are. Dancing in the light of a sole streetlamp, she presses he cheek to my chest and I feel a part of my heart disintegrate. The noose seems to thighten as I step off the stool.

'You have a beautiful heartbeat' She says. The first time she speak to me in her broken english. 'I do?' I ask. She nods. 'It's a rythm haven't heard before. She says switching back to German. 'What is the difference?' she listen attentively to it before saying. 'I think it is wonder, curiosity. Or perhaps truth.' I feel a tears in my eye. she places her hand on my cheek. 'Or it's simply because I know whom it belongs to.' she says and I smile. She doesn't realise how much of this truth is feigned. I feel a sword of guilt cutting open my back to reveal the wings of something that is not human, I don't feel human anymore. What am I? Who am I? Did I ever know?

We finally arrive at her house. A moment before I stop her, 'Would you like to have breakfast with me tomorrow? She smiles and nods. 'Don't dress fancy!' I say jokingly while walking away with a smile on my mask.

The next morning I am bright an early at the house. I feel like a corpse who has decided it was a good idea to live again. perhaps Akiva was right and I need to eat more. But what I also think I need is another dose of laudanum, or a proper glass whiskey. But alas, that isn't important to my dear know-it-all. I smile, I love Akiva but I don't think this is helping me. It feels like I am on the brink of death, my whole body hurts as does my heart. Well nonethless I am waiting for the clock to move it's ever changing hands and announcing the time I promised I would be there. The hands move and I knock on the door. It immediately opens and a modestly clothed Katherina is smiling at me.

'Good morning' I say as I give her a pink rose. She smiles. 'I see you are hesitant to listen to me.' she comments as she smells the rose. 'You always need to be careful to whom you'll listen' I joke. She steps outside, I admire the cotton dress she is wearing. I like it a lot, perhaps a bit more than all her fancy silk ones, but I won't tell her that. I am wearing a suit that's also very casual and rustic, it's beautifully woven thick linen in a greyish colour. I am wearing a pink tie with it to bring some colour into it. I offer my hand to Katherina and we are off to our breakfast. 'Where are you taking me?' she asks. I smirk. 'Wait and see little curious cat'. she chuckles.and start to guess things but I shake my head again and again. untill we arrive at the park. I find a good spot and put down a blanket. 'Sit down.' I say she smiles and sits down. We are in the park near the castle so we can see it clearly, it's truly a beautiful buidling and the park is also magnificent.

I show her the things I brought and she seems very excited. I grab the bottle of wine 'Do you want to take the cork out?' I ask, she immediately nods. 'Have you ever done it?' I ask and she shakes her head while saying: 'I'm afraid I haven't' I show her the way and there she goes struggling with the wine as if it's her mortal enemy I can't help but laugh a lot. I can't control it, it's so bad that my ribs hurt and my eyes are filled with tears. 'Oh come on Yves!' she says, stomping her feet on the ground as if she's a todller. 'Alright, Alright, I will help you just this once.' I say while wiping away my tears and trying not to chuckle as she looks at me mischeviously and a bit mad perhaps. I chuckle again and she punches me in the arm. It hurts but I don't dare to show that.

I pour her a glass of the wine as she admires the rose. 'Perhaps if you dip it in wine it'll become red.' I say jokingly and grabs the glass and seems to begin to dip the flower in it. I grab the delicate flower, protecting it from it's wine death and we start grappling over it pushing eachother and running in a joking manner which eventually results in both of us falling. I lay there in the grass with her on top of me. Her lips dangerously close to mine. I feel tears in my eyes, just for a moment her face was his face. I can't forget, this isn't hope, this is distraction.... but instead of saying that I smile and say. 'My apologies miss' she smirks and kisses me. 'No need dear.' she stands up and dusts off her clothes when I feel the first few drops of rain.

Before we know it the heavens are pouring out their souls on us. I am using my coat to protect Katherine and I while we are running through the streests. We can't stop laughing. We are soaking wet even when protected by the coat. We almost seem to be children again. Frolicking in the cold rain and jumping in the puddles. While we arer running I hear Katherina gasping and turning around. I turn around and see she is recollecting the flower. I chuckle, that is adorable, something he would do...something he would do. I shake it out of my head. 'You are soaking wet!!' I say loudly. when she is near me again.

'I don't mind the rain. I actually liked it all my life.' she answers with a bright smiles and I feel tears in my eyen I hope she doesn't see them. How come I can't let go of him. Let go, LET GO! please forget him, fall back into the sea of normality, the desert of uniformity. I want to return to the stone faced youngster I once was, yes, my inside was fighting a war but at least it was my war. Not one I never saw coming. I believed in me, in him and now I am conditioning myself into loving a wonderfül girl for the sake of normality. For the sake of society. So please Yves, fall back, die, tighten the noose, see this is utter maddess, either love her and forget him or decide that your life and love will be misery.

'Do you like rain too?' she asks closing her eyes and looking up at the sky, letting the rain hit her face. I follow her lead but can't get myself to close my eyes. 'I used to love it, I adored it' I say softly. 'What happened?' She asks. while our clothes and hair is slowly becoming wetter and wetter my heart seems to warm up, I smile. 'I think I had too much of it. I took it for granted.' she nods. 'It will always be beautiful though.' she says. I nod. 'but oh so cold' I whisper on under my breath