To my Dearest Friend

doubters, lovers and sinners

Yves Montague

I realise that I should not have said al that l I have said. But If I hadn't see said it I would hate myself for it for the rest of my life. I might seem complicated to people but the truth is I am easy to understand, I simply wish to be loved. I have loved someone. Even in the hardest times, I loved again and again everyine would disappoint me eventually. It's like I running towards a destination that travels further and further away from me. I feel like I am sisyphos, everytime I think I have found love the boulder I carried slips and we fall into this abyss.

Cyril comes back inside. His eyes seem teary, I feel the regret setting in my heart, carving out my hideous words out in stone. But still I smile at him, I probably look like my father and for the first time in my life I do not care about that whatsoever. Let me be a result of wealth, a filthy little portrait of this doomed society of riches that are only obtainable by the rich. As long as he understands how he broke me. How he just shattered my faith in this world, how he built a garden for me, complete with waterlilies are roses and proceeded to rip the out of the earth in front of my very eyes, just a moment after watering them.

People have always said that I am a cynic but I don't agree, I saw the beauty in everything in the world, I saw all the beautiful colours of gray, a thunderstorm that could be mesmersing I tried to find the hope in everything I saw, in everything I did. But what is beauty if you can't share it with the one you wish you could share it with, it is wasted.

I might seem all high and mighty from the outside right now but I feel like I just damaged something ancient, something precious , something holy, something that never should be broken. As if I just destroyed the Venus de mile. As if I am looking at the shards of a mirror in versailles, as if I've stabbed the mona lisa herself in her fragile heart.

I have never been more grateful to have a busness venture for my father, it means I can escape this hellscape of blame and shame.  Akiva makes another joke, I hate how cheerful this is, it feels like the laughing isn't about the joke but about me, but to be fair this whole scenario is an utter comedy. Émile laughs but I can't even make the effort to smile. I look at Cyril, he doesn't seem to have the energy to be mentally present at all. I bite my lip. You damn fool, why did you need to do that. I went too far, Couldn't I have been more sensible? I have hurt him more than I would like to admit. I am a snake of posonous truth, but not every snake needs to bite. I should have bitten my tongue, I should've kept quiet and be a real friend. I should not have hurt him.

Émile de Polignac

Akiva and Yves leave. Cyril barely dares to look Yves in his eyes, well I must say Yves can conceal whole books in his eyes, he could look at you and you'd know what he thinks. But only if he wants you to know. I smile and wave them goodby 'be safe! I say as I close the door behind them.

I turn around to Cyril and sigh. 'What did he do now? I ask with one eyebrow raised. He shakes his head. 'I dont want to talk about it' I feel my modest anger setting and roll my eyes. 'Do you ever. Tell me.' 'It's nothing.' I grab a bottle of wine and open it. 'Come on it must be something, there's always something between the two of you.' He sighs and grabs the glass I just filled, which was actually meant for myself, he doesn't like this wine...

'He is mad at me for abandoning him.' He responds. 'Holy mutton-monger, your perception rivals that of Sherlock Holmes.' I say sarcasticly, he looks at me I chuckle akwardly. 'I am sorry I thought it might cheer you up.' He shakes his head. 'Nobody could.' He say dramatically laying down on the divan. I pour myself a big glass of wine and mumble 'He could' 'What did you say?! He asks curiously. 'Nothing' I answer in a sugary sweet tone. 'Absolutely nothing concerning you.' I say again while not even looking at him and taking a sip of wine.

'I'm not the one who started a fight.' he says, clearly angry. 'Are you though?' I ask while shrugging and sitting down next to him. 'What in the devil's name is that supposed to mean?' I look at him in utter disbelief that he does not understand what I mean. 'It is very evident that you want a reaction out of him Cyril, and I think that's because you wish he was the one sitting next to you right now!' 'Stop that! it's not true!' He yells. I smirk. 'Than you should stop treating him like you two are still lovers. I am your lover, now treat me like it.'

'What in the Dickens is that supposed to mean' He asks me frowning. 'Well firstly do not back away every time I dare to come near you. Akiva and Yves are both aware of your preference, why wouldn't we be open in our own hous. Merde! Maybe this is too hard to understand for you as you-ve lived a damn life of secrecy but I would like to be showed off, especially when I am afraid my partner has feelings for the one we are with.' I pinch my nose trying to find words. He nods 'I did not realise you felt like that Émile?' I smile, 'Of course, you did not, I keep my mouth shut, you will never hear me complain so please only for this once, can I be undeniably your partner?' He looks down for a moment, he looks at his new signet ring, a weird choice to look at righ now. He nods. 'I am fully prepared to do that my love.'

Akiva Meier

I look at Yves trembling hands as he tries to light his cigarette. He is breathing irregularly, I think he's hyperventilating. I smile and take the lighter from his hands. 'Come here!' I whisper and I light his cigarette. He calms down a bit. 'What happened.' I ask. He leans on his hand and looks out of the carriages window. He uses the other one to hide his face, I am afraid he'll burn his own face. 'I am cursed right?' he asks. I frown. 'I am being punished for loving him? Right? That's why there's no such as thing as doing the right thing? I need to suffer? I need to pay my dues. Is this my hell Akiva?' I grab his hand. 'Firstly Yves that is not my speciality, I do not believe there is something as simple as sin. And secondly what are you talking about?' He sniffles, like a child being lost again, desperately looking for their parental figure.

'Well, I should not have attacked him like that. I didn't even say I still loved him. I just metioned how much I hate everything he has done. Do you think he'll be mad?' I smile a soft smile. 'Yves, if that needed to get out of your system it would've been clear one way of the other. Emotions are too complicated to fully understand and maybe after a long life we can understand a fraction of them but look at you Yves. You are so young'. He looks at me and whispers 'Akiva, I see no point in staying alive.' There falls a silence. I look at him. 'And I see no point if you died.' There are tears in his eyes but he chuckles. 'Do you want me to keep and eye on you?' he wipes his tears on his sleeve. 'I will be fine, I always am.' I nod. 'Promise me you'll ask for help when you need it.' He nods. 'I promise.'