To my Dearest Friend

Slippery faith

We glide over the slippery ice. It's jusy as slippery as faith it, but if you are careful it can bring you joy. Maybe it doesn't depend on how careful you are but it simply depends how experienced you are. I take a breath. I stand on the ice, looking at Frances and Eleanor who are dancing clumsily on the ice. My father is skating little eigths with the boys. I smile, this would have been so perfect a few months ago. I'd be able to dance with Cyril just like Eleanor and Frances do. I frown, I hope it's not true. I hope she doesn't feel that frightening feeling when she looks in her eyes. I hope she will have an easier life than I have. I hope she will be normal, She needs to be normal. I look them, I could wish all I want. But I know those faces too well, I know those gestures too well. I smile but a bit saddened.

Akiva puts his hand on my shoulder. I smile, 'See, sometimes we need a little help to feel better. He says. I laugh. ' Maybe you are right, or we just place a smile on our faces for other people don't we?' I say as I feel the tears in my eye. He smiles. 'We can only hope they're genuine.' I wipe the tear creeping into my eye. The weightlessness creeps up onto my soul. I try my best to keep my feet on the ground. I need to be alright, keep my feet on the ground. But the wind is begging me to come closer. It knows I was made to fly, made to die. I was made to fall, fall for him. But Who could have blamed me. If you have the faith of falling into love. I know my heart must die, I know my soul must rest but hopefully it will die beautifully. It must die, it has died, the grave that has been so bleak now begins to grow it's mourning flowers. Carrying my soul again, blooming for me. So my death ccould bring me life.

I chuckle. I don't make sense, that was utter nonsense. But it might h have helped me, and if nonsense helps you couldn't you call that believing or faith.

We are walking back home. My hands holding those of the boys. Father has invited them for dinner. I agreed. They seem to enjoy the estate. As soon as I am the owner they will be allowed to live here, I want them to have an upbringing similar to mine. Well, in some aspects. I smile as I look at Frances. I love Frances so much, she's so precious, she's so perfect. So mundane, but so different. I would do anything for her........ I would do anything for her. I really would do anything for her.

Frances and I are sitting on one of the stairs which are the most quiet place in the estate. We are eating sherbet lemons and talking about today. We both had a great day. It's been a pleasant evening, I missed Frances that is absolutely certain. I lean against the wall. I chuckle as Frances makes a joke. I take a deep breath. 'Frances?' 'Yves? She respond, still a bit chuckling from the last joke.

'Are you in love with Eleanor?' I ask her, her cheecks flush with red blood giving them the colour of a freshly bloomed rose. 'Yves what kind of strange questions is that?' 'One that will determine a lot of your life' I respond with a sigh. She looks down. I know the answer, she knows it too. But as long as she doesn't say it out loud it isn't real. It is not possible to be real. We both know that all too well, But I am still waiting for an answer. I want an answer. I want my burning question to be satisfied.

She takes a deep breath. 'Have you ever seen eyes as green as hers? a smile as bright as hers? Letters as  profound as the ones she leaves me? clumsiness as adorable as her she is perfect, she is beautiful, charming, kind and smart.  She is my orpheus. She is my muse. she is more beautiful than the greek gods themselves. Who wouldn't fall in love with that?' I smile, I know one person who wouldn't. 'Do you want to spend your life with her?' I ask. I wish someone had asked me that about Cyril, because I really did want to spend my life with him. Could it be my sister is able to have what I've always wished for myself? I take a deep breath and decide to say what has been lurking in the depths of my mind. 'And what if I would marry her?' ask. 'What!?' She asks? clearly confused and angry. 'Eleanor doesn't want to marry she loves me too!' she says angrily. I chuckle 'that's exactely way I am asking it. She won't have to marry a men who expects anything from her. She can love you, you could love her, and I wouldn't need to deal with things like a wife who expects something of me. It would be great for us both.' 'but don't you want love?' She asks with a concerned expression on her face.

'It's far too late for that. You know all too well I already had that, and I've lost it.' She nods I see tears in her eyes. 'Would you do that for me?' She asks. 'What wouldn't I do for you?' She hugs me, so tightly. I feel a tear run down my face, it's a tear of joy mixed with the reality I don't have Cyril anymore. 'You have no idea how much I love you Yves' I smile, well I think I do know how much she loves me, I love her just as much. I will do everyning to ensure she has a good life. I would throw away my whole life if it meant she has a good one. I would give her everything I own if she asked for it. I love her. And she is the only one I trust not to throw my heart away. I will love her and she will love me, because we have always been like this and will always be. She is my sister, the keeper of my secret, heart and soul. And I am her teacher and protector. When I look in her eyes I still see the child she once was and the women she has become.