To my Dearest Friend

Katherina

I am stading in front of Katherina's door, the house she lives in is dark, it's almost as if it's judging you through it's red and green stained glass. I ring the bell and wait for a little time, I look the intricate design on the door, it looks like something you'd see when you're too drunk for normal activities. It looks like something you'd see in a dream if you were close too death, burning up a fever. It looks like a bad omen. I scrunch my nose and try to avoid the last sunlight in my face. My head hurts a lot, it's as if a drill has punctured my skull, with evey little noise is gets worse and worse, it feels like it's slowly dying of agony. But my whole body hurts. Akiva said that might be because I won't be allowed to use Laudanum anymore, or at least not like I used it normally. I dig my nails in my palms and try not to notice the pain.

I am fidgeting with my signet ring while I am waiting for the door to open. The colour of the ring doesn't match my black and purple suit but it was the only one I could find, which I don't understand because all of the other ones should either be in my suitcase and I couldn't find the one I wore yesterday which is oficially Cyril's. It confused me because I don't think I took it off but my thinking is interrupted by the door that flies open. Katherina is wearing a lighter purple dress, she looks beautiful. I must say that she is a true classic beauty but it doesn't impress me, altough I am certain my mask looks very impressed. I smile, You look beautful. She smiles back with a decent blush on her cheeks 'As do you, Lord Montague.' I smile and step forward, I have a chrysanthemum in my hands. 'I didn't know what flowers you liked Katherina so I have chosen for these beautiful pink ones.' 'That is a very good choice Yves, it symbolizes new love, attraction and romance.' I look at the beautiful flower and smirk, 'You got me. That's why I got them, I thought it would be the most appropriate one. What flower would you have preferred?' she looks at me cheekily and responds while grabbing a strand of my hair and putting it behind my ear 'Perhaps a red or pink cammelia.' I smile painfully aware of the meanings behind them "Isn't  it a bit too early for that miss' I ask with a boyish smile. She winks, 'this whole society has so many rules we shouldn't liste to all of them, otherwise our love lives will be extremely boring don't you agree Yves?!' I feel my cheek flush with red blood and tears fighting to fill my eyes, I smile and nod.

I feel a heavy burden on my chest, it feels like I am in a dream, but I don't know what to do, I don't understand what she expects of me, but maybe she is just hard to understand. Do people think that about me? Would it be possible that she is a female Yves? Tortured by the fact that she has everything her heart desires and more but still has this awfull nagging feeling of emptiness. I wonder if she wishes for another life. If she curses her parents, if she hates society but still seems to follow all its rules. There's this chokehold it seems to have on me, and maybe also on her. We both know far too well that if you don't follow society your life will be nothing more than a show for other people, which it also is when you are following society. I seem to be wrecking my brain.

'So shall we goY' I ask, offering my arm. she grabs it and off we go. Let's find out how obnoxious I really am. If she is just like me I shall find out. She talks about Vienna with a lot of soul, a lot of passion, she seems to love the city with her whole heart. She is a truly beautiful soul and she also seems rather bright I ask myself what her life must've been like. Has it been like my life? I wonder....

We walk through the streets I have walked with my heart, now I am walking there, trying to find my soul again. I look at the beautiful buildings, grieving for everything that has been, that is and what will be. Regretting everything that has been, that is and will be. I am losing my humanity as Katherina tells me about the city I have seen so many times. I feel a flood of tears in my throat but I nod and answer to her facts. I try to be as kind to her as I can be, perhaps, just perhaps I will be able to fall in love with her. I wish to fall in love with her, I really do. Do I? I wish to be normal of course I would wish to fall in love with her. But this doesn't feel like I am capable of that. And I am aware love takes time but it shouldn't be as tortorous as this is. It is asking my hearts for diomonds it no longer has, it only has glass it could offer. Wut who would want glass if you are wishing for diamonds. Perhaps at first glance they'd like it but it would be a big disappointment. And I should know, I was convinced that these glass shards were diamond. But now that I can see the sun again and the rain stopped. And now in clearer light it seems they're just regular glass. Altough they still shine bright through my tears. I smile, perhaps glass can be precious too.

I chuckle as I look to Katherine, she smiles back. Perhape I deserve to be happy.

We arrive at the Hofoper/Opera house. It's a beautiful building, it's completely beige except the roof I think. We enter it, the foyer is beautiful with it's intricate arches where everything is resting on. It almost reminds me of a church. I smile at Katherina, I hear people whispering. it's almost as if we're children who have sneaked into something or somewhere we shouldn't be. I smirk at Katherine, and 'People seem to enjoy seeing you with company.' I remark as I look at her. She chuckles as she buys the libretto of Il Trovatore. I pay before she can. She looks at me and chuckles. 'I can very well pay myself dear Yves. 'As can anybody else, but I insist.' I say with a smirk. She starts so explain, 'But you are right, people like seeing me with somebody. Well, they actually don't. They envy you my dear Yves.' I smirk. ' shall we  give them their money's worth darling?' I grab the libretto and playfully sprint up the stairs as she follows me and grabs it from my hand as we chase eachother till we arrive in our box. I look in her blue eyes and smile. She looks into mine and kisses me. I am surprised by it, but not negatively. She puts her hand softly on my face. I smile, it's one of the first times I don't feel anything really,. I didn't feel the fire of love consuming my heart when Cyril would do it but I also don't feel the nagging misery. Is this hope?