To my Dearest Friend

Regret

Émile de Polignac

I look at the carpet, but I don't see it, I feel like nothing is real anymore. I feels so strange, all of this is so absurd, when he stood up he didn't even care that I fell, but did I expect him to? He does not seem to care at all, he just cares about his damn Yves. I feel tears prickling in my eyes. 'Why?' I whisper to myself, why did I trust this man with my heart. 'Will we ever truly know? Akiva answer, I must say that I forgot he was even here. He is so quiet he could be a painting, looking down on people, studying them, almost like a god.  'I am truly sorry for all of this drama Akiva, I am sure you hate it here.' I say in an apolegetic tone, I don't have the strength to stand up again. He smiles and shakes his head. 'The whole situation I have seen here is rather unique and I actually do not mind at all besides Émile, your personal views are are absolutely fascinating, you yourself are a fascinating human being. I believe you deserve quite a lot, you remind me of Yves.' I smile, cursing that statement. 'You're not the only one that thinks so.' I say bitterly, he walks up to me and offers his hand. 'stand up.' he says, I oblige. 'You are a bright mind émile, use it.' I sigh, but this bright mind doesn't have a clue what to do right now. 'What would you do Akiva?' I ask, desperate for guidance. He bites his lip and turns around, 'There's one piece of advice I'll give you Émile, leave before he can break your heart again.' He walks to the door. 'I hope we will see eachother again Émile, As I said you seem to have a bright mind perhaps you could make some good use of it.' He says, I smile and answer 'But I dont have any qualifications' He smirks and responds: 'Geniality does not need a diploma.'

Yves Montague

I feel like an abandoned mansion, still beautiful from the outside but slowly falling apart on the inside. I used to think love gave you a sense of security but it does not, it does the opposite, it makes you so frightened to be alone again. Why? because you've tasted the forbidden apple of life and now you will  forever be insasiatable. You'll always want more, and who can blame you it's so sweet how could you forgive. These ghostly thoughts consume my mind as the wind and rain tries to erase any emotion I am holding onto. 'Yves!' I ignore it, perhaps scared it is Cyril. 'Yves hold up!' I recognise Akiva's voice.

I stop. He runs up to me with a umbrella. I look at him, my eyes filled with rain and bitter tears. 'I think I did something wrong Akiva.' I say, too desperately to sound like myself, I sound like pure guilt. 'How so?' he asks. I take a deep breath before tearing down the world I so desperately build these years, with my own hands, resulting in these scars all over my body. 'I think I broke his heart, and I dont think I regret it.' .....Or at least not yet. Akiva shakes his head, reassuring me it's not wrong to feel like this. I feel another flood of emotions comign up again, it's like I am drunk on guilt and a sadness and I need to get it out of my system just like you need to do after a bad night. Akiva grabs the back of my head and gently places my head on his shoulder, almost fatherly, I bury my crying face in his shoulder and hold him tighter than a sailor holding onto a boat when he is afraid to lose control in a storm. My crying is interrupted by desperate breaths between all of the indicidual letters I have written. the tears erasing the ink of my precious correspondence.

The morning sun nags at my head, plagueing my existence, being just as cheerful as ever. I curse it, just like my entire excistence. I can barely remember the haze of misery. But I am alive, well, if you could call this being alive. It is living, not being alive. I look at the blank ceiling above me painting it with memories I will be forced to try to forget, just to keep myself sane. But this fresco is something I wish to have beautifully engraved in my heart for all my life, I wish to keep it with me forever, wishing, even more reckless than hope, why? because we know wishes aren't fathomable that's why they're wishes. not hopes. I take it back, I will regret this for all my life. I will regret this, I will miss him. I miss myself. I stand up and walk towards the mirror to look at the gentlemen I am supposed to understand but never have. I do not recognise him, in his quest of finding the one he has loved he lost himself. I look at him, I don't feel connected with him, his teary eyes have a dead expression, as if you are drawn into the deepest parts of the unknown agony of the dark. Those dead eyes will draw you into the strong tides of the sea of nothingness. My face doesn't have the energy nor will to put on my mask. I am tired of hiding my agony, but this agony is not simple pain, it is utter numbness. The misunderstanding of the world, the uncertainty of it all. The uncertainty of everything in this world, The uncertainty of life, The uncertanty of understanding, the uncertainty of love, but above all the uncertainty of trust. When you are brave enought to give it to somebody it seem to be so much harder to take back, but if you know that if you don't take it back it'll break forever, so perhaps it's better to smash it yourself.

a bit short chapter I apologise but more is a coming