Geek on the Side!

Vanessa's Game Plan

There's a new, totally hot waitress working at my favorite diner. I wanna do her, and I mean BADLY! I need to figure out a game plan for this; can't just go up to her and ask if she wants to screw, because that could be sexual harassment. No no, I need to do this smoothly. I gotta lay on the charms, lower her defenses, and go for the kill! Oh, but first I gotta determine if she's at least bi-curious, because trying to seduce the straight girls is a no-no.

I decided to go back home to form my game plan. It can't be done TODAY, of course; these things take time. How to go about this, and how long will it take? Figuring out Maggie's sexuality should be a breeze; the right clothes, the right body language, and I'll be able to determine if she's into women or not. Everything after that ought to be a breeze.

Coming up with all THAT didn't take me long; I was only halfway home. What to do with the rest of the day? I COULD listen to music, that's always fun. I could also binge one of my favorite erotica shows, but eh. Whatever. Oh, I'm BORED!

I headed back home, marched up to my computer, and turned it on. I checked my business email; nothing new. I checked my personal email, and saw that Paige had sent me a few files.

Dear Van:

Here's the wedding pictures I promised!

Love, Paige

I didn't want to see them, though. Wedding pictures always remind me of my first boyfriend; he had his wedding picture on the nightstand next to his bed. Him and his beautiful bride, looking happy as could be. He always had the habit of taking off his wedding band and placing it in front of the picture.

As I got older, though, every wedding picture's looked the same to me. The bride and groom looking all happy and smiley, and oh my God it's the first day of the rest of our lives and GAG ME! I remember the night it no longer bothered me to look at a wedding picture; she was asleep on the bed that she'd normally share with her husband. I was sitting up, getting ready to leave, when I noticed the picture. There he was, an admittedly handsome man, smiling brightly as he held his gorgeous bride in his arms. Then I took a look at that same bride, now a cheating wife who slept so soundly after betraying her husband without a second thought. I looked at the wet spot where she climaxed, and I smirked. She shared this bed with him, and at that moment it stank of our sweat. I was eighteen when that happened.

She was older than me; in fact, she was my college professor. She'd been crushing on me since Day One of the semester, and she finally got the courage to ask me out the weekend her husband was out of town. I said "sure," and so we went to the bar for a few drinks. We didn't get drunk, of course; she just needed the liquid courage to put the moves on me. So a few drinks became a night of dancing, and a night of dancing led to us making out in the bathroom, which of course led to us having sex in her home. She came, I didn't.

This woman, who looked so goddamn happy in her new husband's arms in that photo, seemingly had no qualms about soiling the bed she shared with him with our combined sweat and juices. She didn't care that she could hurt him, all she cared about was getting her *Censored* eaten by the hottest girl on campus. I didn't come onto her, she came onto me. That wedding photo had a liar in it.

That's why I can't stand wedding photos: they only capture a fleeting moment of joy. The same smiling couple in that photo will one day betray one another in the cruelest ways possible. Maybe one spouse will betray the other with me, or maybe with someone else. But it's practically inevitable; half of all marriages end in divorce anyway.

I don't want that to happen to Paige and Daisy...

But I sure as hell wish it happened to my parents! Seriously, I can't count the nights they kept me up with all their fighting. And what the hell did they fight about? MONEY! Father hated that Mother didn't work and did nothing but spend his money willy nilly, and she hated the fact that he kept her in the dark about many of his expenses! What she never knew was that those "mystery expenses" were hotel bookings and escorts; I know because I caught him more than once red handed. Heh, the jackass ruined my prom night by showing up at the same hotel with a hooker! How the hell did he forget that his own daughter was having her prom, her ONCE IN A LIFETIME prom, at the same hotel he brings his high class whores to!? Do you know how EMBARRASSING it was for me to be walking up to my hotel room with my date, open the elevator, and find him making out with some hundred dollar prostitute!?

It's VERY embarrassing! My date never talked to me again after that...

Oh shoot, I just got an email from Daisy! Let me just open it up...

Dear Vanessa: (Really wish she'd use a nickname for me, like Paige does)

I wanna see the new Godzilla movie this weekend, but Paige and Sam have a thing to do and everyone else I know is too busy. Gabe has to handle the shop, Todd and Amy are going on a weekend date, Jolie and Mike are ALSO going on a weekend date, Kevin's got swim practice, Dad has a business trip, and Mom's gotta deal with a board meeting. So, if you wanna come or not, it's cool. I already talked to Paige about it, and she's cool with it.

Well, uh... on the one hand, it kinda hurts that she thinks of me as a last resort for socializing and that there's literally nine people she'd rather hang out with than me when Paige isn't available, but on the other hand...

Dear Daisy:

Sure! Looking forward to it! Just tell me the time!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeh I've got a (totally platonic) date with Daisy!!!