Geek on the Side!

Vanessa lets go

I've been boding with Daddy for a week now. Every day after work we hang out, and I join him and Sarah for dinner. I was gonna ask if I could move in with him, but he beat me to it. Of course I said yes! After all, even though I already made my peace with Derek's wife (whom I recently found out was divorcing the asshole) it didn't change the fact that I had other people who wanted to ruin my life. Staying with Daddy is safer.

As I packed my things, I strongly considered doing something Sarah recommended to me. She told me to write two letters to the people I called my parents growing up, so that I can expunge all the negative feelings I have for them. I thought about it a lot. Since I have some time, I decided to just get it over with.

I went downstairs to my kitchen, took two pieces of paper and a pencil, and began to write. First, to Enrico Russo...

Dear Enrico Russo:

For thirty years you were my father. I remember how often you'd have your secretaries take me to the ranches up north so I could go on pony rides. Sometimes you'd even join us! Those were always my favorite trips. Even the retroactive knowledge that you were cheating on Mom with those secretaries doesn't take away the happiness I felt back then. You always did make sure I had everything growing up. But I didn't want cars, or jewelry, or anything; I just wanted you to be proud of me, and for the three of us (you, me, and Mom) to be a happy family.

Everyone expects me to hate you for disowning me, but try as I might, I can't do it. I loved you for thirty years, and those feelings don't just go away from one day to the next. When you disowned me, so quickly and so happily, you broke my heart worse than anyone's ever broken it. I'm not sure I'll ever truly heal from what you've done, but I'm getting some GREAT help in that regard.

I met my biological father; Mom's ex-husband, Doug Derriwinkle. His family accepted me without fuss, and now they're my family, too. I have a big sister and a little brother! You know how I've always wanted a sibling? Well, now I have two!

I know you don't want me to call you Dad anymore, Enrico, so I won't.

I hope you'll understand that, what happened between Arthur and me, that was serious. And the fact that you knew about it and did nothing, I can't forgive you for that. I can never forgive you; I'm not sure I even want to. But disowning me? THAT I can forgive. And I do.

A stupid part of me held on to the hope that you'd regret disowning me, that you'd call one day and plead for my forgiveness. Hell, I think I would have settled for you just acting like it never happened, and still referred to me as your daughter! But you had a lot of time to do it, and I'm afraid time's up.

I'm moving on, Enrico. I hope you do, too. And I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you can learn to love someone besides yourself.

The girl you used to call your daughter:

Vanessa

Writing that has me messed up; the tears just don't stop. But I gotta keep going; I still gotta write to Mom...

Dear Mom:

I don't know what to even think about you anymore. There was a time when I thought the world of you, but that ended the day I saw you-

No, no, no. I'm in no position to criticize my mother for that. Let me try again.

I HATE YOU!!!

I mean... no, that's not how I really feel. Beyond everything, what I feel is sad, you know? Sad that...

It's been weeks since Enrico disowned me, and you haven't even sent me a single text. Sometimes I wonder if you ever truly cared about me, or if you only ever saw me as your meal ticket, as your one guarantee that you'd get married to a rich man. Did you always know I wasn't Enrico's child, or was there ever a time you truly thought I was his? I really hope there was.

I found my real dad, by the way. It's your ex-husband, Doug Derriwinkle. Imagine how surprised I was to find out I had an OLDER sister, one just five and a half years older than me. Imagine how horrified I was to learn that you abandoned her, never even sending her so much as a post card to let her know you still thought of her, cared about her, LOVED her. Did you? Or did you forget about her eventually? Was it easy for you to leave her?

I've been struggling for a while to make sense of who and what you are, Mom. But all I've run into here are people you've hurt. My father, whose heart you absolutely demolished when you cheated on him and left him for another man. My older sister, who spent YEARS of her CHILDHOOD waiting for you to come back home! And my father's wife, whom you terrorized during your school days!

They're my family, now. They accepted me almost immediately. They've shown me the love and affection I so desperately CRAVED from you and your husband since I was a child. So, though I'm sure you won't, don't worry about me. I'm happy being here with my family. The family you kept me away from my whole life.

I hope, deep down, that you regret it all. Abandoning your first daughter, robbing your ex-husband of his second child, and lying to both your second husband AND daughter about their relationship. I can't bring myself to hate you, Mom, and I honestly don't want to. But try as I might, I can't forgive you, either.

When I was younger, you taught me to let go of the past, that it holds you back. I hate to think that you were referring to the family you abandoned. But I want you to know, I'm taking your advice. I'm letting go of my past. I'm just sad to say that includes you.

Hope you find happiness in your life.

Your daughter:

Vanessa

It's done. I fold both letters, tears streaming down my face, and I walk towards what once was my stove. I turn it on and watch as the letters burn, turning to ashes. Enrico, Liliana, Los Angeles, OnlyFans; that's all my past.

I take one last look around the empty house, what was once my home. The room where I did my streams is empty. The bed is made, ready for its next owner. The bathroom is spotless. The kitchen, spotless. My past is now behind me, this time for real.

I grab my luggage, put it all in my car, and drive home to my family...