Geek on the Side!

Vanessa has thoughts

Here I was, fully nauseated and alone in a part of town I barely knew, a two hour drive from my parent's house. I was abandoned by Tasha, and then Father decided that having sex with his latest playgirl was more important than making sure I was OK. And Mother? She never had any intention of accompanying me.

The one simple truth of my family is that they'd never invest in me the love and energy I've ever given them. Because I'm the daughter who always tried to keep Father's philandering a secret from Mother, always trying to protect him from her wrath because I knew that, if she ever caught him red handed, she'd clean him up in the divorce. Likewise I protected my mother from Father's suspicions because I knew that, if he ever found out, he'd throw her out into the streets.

Thankfully, there's a small park close to the clinic. I can sit on a bench for a few minutes until the nausea subsides. After that, I can call an Uber to take me home.

I glance around the park; it's an OK park, with lots of greenery around. There's a pond right in the middle with a concrete bridge over it, some palm trees strewn around, some bushes here or there, and a few park benches. The one I sat on was pretty nice, right beneath a palm tree for shade.

As I sat down, I couldn't help but think about the time in my life when I legit thought I had a happy family. That lasted up until I was, what, five years old? Maybe six? I don't exactly remember; all I remember is walking in on my own mother, laying beneath a strange man I'd never met. I still remember how I shrieked "Mommy, what are you doing!?" And how scared the guy looked when he saw me. The dude ran off with his pants down, and Mother had to console me, telling me he was just a friend, but that I shouldn't tell Daddy.

That's when I started lying to Father, as per Mother's orders. It felt awful lying to him all the time, and there were nights that I cried myself to sleep because of it. I was a Daddy's Girl back in those days!

Was...

"Mommy!" I heard a little girl call out close to the pond. "Look, fishies!"

I couldn't help but smile. Kids can be so precious, right? The way they see the world filled with wonder; I actually kind of like kids, you know? And I like how simple things can keep them entertained, like puppets or cartoons. Not like Your Lie in April, though, that's not for kids. I mean cartoons like...

...damn, I can't think of any. Am I really so disconnected from what makes a happy childhood?

Disney! That makes kids happy! Stuff like Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Donald Duck, those are fun cartoons, right? They should be! Not that I remember ever watching them, of course...

Now that I think about it, I don't remember what I used to watch when I was a little girl. All I can remember from my childhood is the anxiety I often felt at home; rushing to grab the mail before Mother did to see if Father had accidentally charged a hotel stay or a call girl to his credit card, snooping around the house to make sure Mother's 'friends' didn't leave their underwear or something, always lying, always hiding.

What the hell was my childhood, anyway? I can say with utmost sincerity that I didn't have much of one; by age 10, I had already caught my parents in more sex acts than can ever be considered healthy. I have no happy memories from my childhood, and the only happy memories I have from before I turned eighteen all revolve around Arthur in one way or another.

I have no idea how to deal with children. I have no idea what a mother's love is supposed to look like, to feel like. If I had a baby, I'd have no idea what to do with it!

And I CAN'T have children! I can't, for so many reasons! I live a life that just has no room for kids; I'm constantly busy, I'm constantly on the move, and... and...

And I sleep with a lot of people. A LOT of people. And me bringing in someone new at night, that can be damaging to a child! I KNOW what it's like to hear strange men you don't know leave your mother's bedroom late at night, trying not to wake you while you're actually wide awake and hearing EVERYTHING!

A-a-a-a-and what about if the child asked me who their father is? I DON'T KNOW WHO GOT ME PREGNANT! I... I don't know who got me pregnant. And I don't think I can ever look a child of mine in the eye and tell them I have no idea who their father is. I don't think I'm strong enough, or deviant enough, to trick an innocent man into raising a child I'd know full well wasn't his. I'm not like that.

I'm not even close to being fit to be a mother. You think I LIKE having abortions? You think this is fun? It isn't! It's beyond sickening to me! I wish I didn't do this. I wish I didn't have to. But I did. It's the price I pay for my lifestyle.

And I'm so sick of who I am. Look at me, sitting on a park bench all alone, trying to get over my nausea that I got from having an abortion. This is my life. The glamorous life of Vanessa Russo, the head turningly beautiful entrepreneur who became a success before thirty. That's me. THIS is me. The real me. All alone with no one to talk to, no one to call for help.

Nobody loves me. Nobody even LIKES me. They like the me I present to them; the flawless, successful, beautiful, smart woman. If they saw the real me, they'd hate me. Kevin likes me only because he doesn't know who I really am. Paige and Daisy know the real me, and neither of them like me. Paige doesn't trust me, and Daisy...

To hell with my life. To hell with me...