Adopted by a Musical

Chapter 11

TW - ED, SH, ANGER, ANXIETY

1 month time skip heheheheh 

I was strong. I managed to go all of yesterday without food, just water. And the best part? Nobody noticed. Or was that bad? I don't really know anymore. I'd felt quite distant from reality recently, like I wasn't actually real almost, like at any moment everything could just puff into purple smoke... me left in the middle of the chaos. Sometimes it felt like the apocalypse.

When I started to cut deeper, for example. One month ago they were just deep enough for it to be blamed on a cat, like it had just run it's claws over me and taken off. Well... now it was more like my life was on the line. And it really was.

Today really starts last week, I made Millie mad, not on purpose, obviously. I upset her a bit, it wasn't like a little petty grudge against me. It was big. She ignored me, I don't really know to be honest, the rare times we tried to speak it ended in shouting at eachother, I ran to Aimie in an anxiety attack after because of flashbacks of my old family, scared that Millie would hit me or try to hurt me. Of course Millie didn't know that, she thought I went to cry in bed. Aimie didn't know about what was going on between me and Mills, Millie didn't know what went on between me, the knife, the food, my aunt, my uncle, she didn't know about anything that went on.

 It all started when I was holding back an anxiety attack and I was zoned out focusing on my breathing, and everyone was yelling at eachother because of a spider or something. Millie came over covering her ears, clearly struggling but i didn't have the brains to do anything or even try to help. Therefore it was all my fault, nobody needed to tell me that, I knew it from the start. I told her to go away a little too aggressively before running away. I never meant it. I didn't mean it at all. I swear on my life I never meant it at all. It was loud and hard for me to cope. Sensory overload just thinking about it. 

::overthink/stupid/your/fault
stupid/idiot/stupid/overload

This evening, when it's just me, Millie, Courtney and Vicki backstage in the dressing rooms. I keep pushing the thought of making up out of my head. No. I should speak to Millie. I need to. Can't be mad at eachother forever. But what if I have an anxiety attack? Who's gonna help me? No. Yes? No........... Yes...? I need to speak to Millie. It's a need. "Hey... Millie?", she ignored me, "Millie please." I repeated, she looked at me,
"What?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Why?"
"You know why?"
"For telling me to go away like that?"
"I'm sorry..." I said fighting back tears already.
"Okay... and?"
"Millie...I-"
"What? You saw I was struggling and you didn't even try to help." she raised her voice at me. Again. I flinched a little. "You didn't care at all, Stella, you didn't care even just a little bit."
"Millie that's not true I swear  I was having a sensory overload." I rushed, letting tears fall. The girls were all watching by this point.
"Oh yes, start crying. Run away, go hide, you could of at least tried, Stella, instead of ignoring me and telling me to go away."
"Millie I was having a sensory overload I couldn't help it."
"I swear to God, you know how it feels you never tried to-"
"No Millie please I'm sorry just don't hurt me please!" I blurted out, flinching hard and hiding myself as she stood up. She stopped talking as soon as she heard me yell, as soon as she saw me flinch, as soon as she realised what it meant. What she was saying I have no clue, but I got scared and began to hyperventilate,

::no/control/can't/breathe

augh shit. Aimie wasn't here either. What was I meant to do argue back? "Oh Stella... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to scare you like that..." Millie's voice softened. I glanced at her and failed to keep eye contact, failed to keep my eyes focused on anything. Ignoring the black spots forming infront of my eyes I scrunched my hair in my hands and let out tears. "Help." is all I managed to say before breaking down in Aimie's chair, she had no idea this was happening right now.

Courtney got up and moved closer towards me, I was in bit of a blind panic and tensed up even more as she made her way over. "Millie didn't mean it." she said, kneeling down infront of me, I sat in silence crying. 
"Stella?" Millie asked. I looked up. 
"I'm sorry." I told her, barely more than a whisper.
"It's okay, Stella, it's okay. Don't worry, you're okay." she soothed also beginning to move closer, I looked around, my chest tightening, Courtney sat infront of me cross-legged with her hand open on the arm rest, I took it hoping it would help. It did for a bit. I caught a glimpse of Millie, a tear rolling down her face. "I'm sorry... Stella... I didn't know." she whispered as she knelt down beside Courtney. I decided to get up and sit on the ground instead, but suddenly feeling dizzy and stumbling. Millie and Courtney caught me and slowly sat me down to focus on my breathing. Vicki went to fill up a bottle of water for me and came back with a cold bottle in 5 minutes. "You're okay, Stells, it's okay." Millie rubbed my hand with her thumb gently until my breathing slowed and I felt normal again. I looked up at her and wiped away her tear, "I'm sorry Millie." She smiled at me. 
"It's okay."





A/N: Atnataliessalonx thank you for the idea but I had to end it well because Millie is too precious to be mad!! I've got too many vent ideas at the moment I don't know what's up ahahah. LOVE YOUUU