Hiding

Chapter twelwe

Something in Magnus' words struck a chord with Alec. Every single one of his instincts is telling him that Magnus is talking about him. That Magnus understands all of Alecs problems with being who he is. That he knows Alec will never be able to give all of himself, but that he still wants Alec to make a move. Just like Henry. And he is close to doing too. So close to stepping into Magnus space, grabbing his face and tracing his thumb over those beautiful lips before pressing his own against them.

But he doesn't. No, instead he steps back a little and folds his arms across his chest. A tick he gained from a rather young age when things got to close. To personal. To emotional.

"I think I'm gonna get something for us to drink. Is there anything you'd like?" he asks evasively.

"Alec..." Magnus' voice is soft and gentle. And all too much. Alec knows exactly what Magnus is going to say if he lets him. He is going to say that Alec is the one he cares about. And Alec isn't ready for that. He feels the panic taking root. The same panic as he witnessed on Henrys face in the movie. But Alec doesn't have the choice of running away. He has to work with him. He will see him every day. He has to do something else, even though running away and hiding forever is much more tempting.

"Don't..." Alec says and steps further aways from Magnus. "Just don't."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want it!" Alec shouts, tearing his own heart into a thousand pieces what that single lie.

"I don't believe you."

"well, you should." He sticks his chin out and clenches his jaw.

"Bullshit. Just because you only allow yourself to have the emotional capacity of a wet paper towel, doesn't mean you don't want it. You want someone to care for you. I know you do. You have been begging for it all night, no matter how much you have tried to convince both me and you that it isn't the case. For some reason you have just convinced yourself that you don't deserve it." Magnus grabs Alec's arms and holds him in place before he can run away. "You do deserve it. You deserve to be cared for. To be loved." Alec instantly tenses up and Magnus quickly corrects himself. "I'm not saying I love you or that you love me. That's not what I mean. I just mean that I understand you better than anyone. I am your friend and I love you as a friend, even though you might not believe it. And trust me, you need a friend."

"I have friends..." Alec mumbles with lowered head, fighting back the burning feeling in his eyes.

"No, you have family. Employees. Not friends. With friends you can be exactly who you are, and you will never be judged for it." Magnus puts his index finger under Alecs chin and lifts his gaze till it meets Magnus'.

"what if this is who I am? What if my emotional range will ever be anything else than a wet paper towel." Alecs eyes pierces Magnus as he uses Magnus' own words from before.

"Then I will be the best friend a paper towel has ever had." Magnus grins at Alec. "But seriously, Alec. I will never judge you. You can be whoever you want to be around me. Even if that means continuing to be like this. I don't mind. If you are comfortable with who you are now, then I'm good. If you want to open a bit more up to me, that's good too. I am your friend."

Friend...

For some reason that word hurts more than helps and Alec can't quite put his finger on why that is. He knows Magnus means well, but something just feels of.

"Friends?" Alec asks, "is that really what we are?"

"I think so." Magnus looks directly into Alecs eyes, and it makes Alecs heart jump, "even though we both know I wouldn't mind it being more than that."