on temporizing || Dream SMP Timeloop Fic

Chapter 34

166. (credit to ori)

"So you're saying that Dream and Tommy are dueling."

"Yup," said Wilbur, appearing very invested in the scene before him. "This is the defining moment, Jack. The moment we win independence, or lose it all."

Jack stared at the bridge. On one end stood a cardboard cutout of Tommy. On the other end stood a cardboard cutout of Dream. Both had bows and arrows haphazardly taped to their 'hands'. Neither were capable of using them.

"You. . . do realize those aren't Tommy and Dream, right?"

Wilbur looked at him like he was crazy. "What do you mean? Of course it's Tommy and Dream!" Before Jack could point out the inherent falsity of that statement, Wilbur turned back to the bridge and shouted, "TOMMY, TAKE THE SHOT!"

Sapnap, standing on the other side of the bridge, also began yelling. "DREAM! C'MON MAN, YOU CAN DO THIS!"

A particularly strong gust of wind swept through the area, knocking Tommy's teetering cutout over. Sapnap let out a shout of victory while Wilbur fell to his knees.

"TOMMY! NO!" he wailed, shaking a fist at the sky. Jack thought he even shed a tear. "DAMN YOU, DREAM!"

The cardboard cutout did not reply. Jack wondered if it was too late to leave L'Manberg.

~~~

"Tubbo. Tubbo, please."

Tubbo looked up from where he was duct-taping an iron sword to 'Tommy's' hand. "Huh? What's wrong?"

Niki stared at him. "You-- you're taping a sword on its hand."

"Tommy doesn't have the best grip."

"He is still a child," Wilbur chimed in. "His muscles are still developing, you know? We don't want him dropping his weapon when we fight Schlatt."

"That is a cardboard cutout," Niki pointed out. Tubbo snipped off a bit of duct tape and frowned at her.

"Hey, I know he doesn't talk much, but calling him cardboard's a bit rude, innit?"

At that moment, the cardboard cutout flopped on its face. The weight of the iron sword had proven too great for its supports. Tubbo nodded sagely.

"See? He's hurt. You should apologize."

Niki made a mental note to check if someone had put something in the L'Manberg water supply.

~~~

"Is nobody questioning this?"

"What, the wedding?"

"Yes!"

George glanced at the newlyweds, then back to Jack. "I mean, they seem pretty happy together."

"Fundy is marrying a piece of cardboard!"

George wrinkled his nose as he took another sip from his flute of champagne. "Listen, I know Dream isn't very expressive, but calling him cardboard--"

"That's literally just a cardboard cutout of Dream."

"--is just mean." George sighed. "Guess you weren't made best man for a reason."

"And Fundy's best man is a cardboard cutout too--"

"Hey, Tommy's a good kid. Can't you just accept him and Dream as they are?"

Jack made an incomprehensible noise of frustration and stormed out of the post-wedding banquet.