Criss-Crossing [BakuDeku]

Chapter IX : To your heart's content.

My bad I had the 9th half-drafted so here you go, one more chap to go but this one can work at the end of the story!

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I guess that's how Deku and I ended up in this awkward relationship. We are friends, rivals, and sometimes more. We are something quite abstract. Not an item, but it's like we can't look away from each other.

Our eyes wander, they meet sometime. They linger. They chase the other.

And if we can hold hands.

And if we can wreck each other without a care for tomorrow.

And if we can work together.

And if we can live together.

And if we can do all of that... It's all thanks to what happened in highschool. About six years ago. That peculiar thing we never ever talk about.

And yet... even if we can do all of that we still can't kiss. We can't do it as if our hearts' couldn't accept these feelings to be utterly real. Does Deku know why? I think I do.

Sometimes, while looking at the ring I kept all these years, my eyes lingering on it for a while, I exhale, lost in my thoughts.

I am certain of my feelings now. I really am. And I'm sure, at some point, Deku does too. I'm sure our feelings are reciprocated and yet—

Because he is haunted by something, he can't move forwards. He can't abandon himself to me. He can't be mine.

Because he is afraid of something. But that's not all. I know it's also because the «soulmates» thing might scare him.

This awkward impression that we are under a spell. That we don't really love each other and that everything happened because of their appearance in our lives. I understand that, I do.

I doubted for years that my feelings were genuine. And yet... Now, I'm sure of it. And I wait for him to realise the same thing, now that we are adults, now that we are free from all of this. These memories.

That's what I thought. Until that day.

More like... that night.

When I woke up from a nightmare I couldn't remember as soon as I opened my eyes. When I heard him for the first time. His voice full of despair.

Nightmares.

And... Recently, it happens more and more often.

We sleep apart, our rooms side by side, but it's the same pattern that keeps happening. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, feeling weird and hearing Deku moaning in despair in his sleep.

Everytime, I go to his room and lie down before him, looking at him.

And I listen.

I listen to his voice and nightmares.

Asking for helping, burning in fear, searching for hope. I finally understood, after two months, that all of those dreams are related to the other universe. But he never talked about them, and I never had any dream about it.

...

I'm not jealous. I'm just... ... confused.

Why does he keep having those dreams...?

That's when it hit me. He probably isn't free from it yet. Ten years passed but he is still outta there. Far away in another world full of mysteries and danger. A part of him never came back here, probably.

I sigh slowly and come look at him from the above.

Tell me Deku... are you...somehow... still connected to them ?

Why don't you look at me ? Why don't you tell me anything about all of that...?

Aren't I...enough...?

I nod my head to the side, putting his hair away, then I bend down. Start kissing his lips again and again until he calms down.

...

In those moments, you never wake up. But, little by little you calm down everytime, and I just have to wipe away your tears. And as soon as your tears disappear I would get up and leave your warm bed to go back to mine. Cold again. Giving me all the thoughts back that you somehow had put distance between us as much as we stay physically and awfully close. We don't talk about what matters, and we just drop all our feelings, all our frustration, any silent word we hold back, when we go down together. In a bed or another. We fight, with tenderness, with anger, with a mix of many feelings all joined together. It is now us... In the altogether.

That's true.

That's right, we actually never talked again about what happened in highschool, nor about what you lived there.

... the truth is that I'm afraid to ask you. I'm so afraid that I want to throw up. Deku... why do you stay with me...? Is it because I look like the kind? Is he the one you love the most and stay with me out of pity or just because it's easier since we are so alike...? I wouldn't be mad, I think. But... the scariest part of all is that I feel like your heart is disconnected to this reality.

...

Would you ever tell me anything about it?

Tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me anything, everything.

I sigh, and, this time only. I choose to not move away. To not go back to my room. To stay here. With him and to wait until he wakes up.

... I think. It's time for me to hear everything from you. ... Isn't that right Deku ?

Because, I feel like if I don't listen to you... we will never be able to go forward in our own lives and relationship.

... I tighten my hand around his, and wait.

Heart beating fast. Heart beating hard into my chest and temple. I wait patiently.

And as soon as you open your eyes and see me, I inhale and whisper that to you my dear:

- Deku, tell me about it.

- ... What...?

- Tell me everything about what happened.

He opens his mouth but closes it right away. The question never comes out of his lips. No. He doesn't need to ask what I am talking about because he knows.

I put my hand on his tired face and push away some hair of his. And drop it to the side of his throat, not leaving.

Deku looks terrified. And yet... he seems ready now.

- Are you sure...?

- I am. I want to hear everything of what you went through. Everything that is still haunting you. Tell me.

I feel his throat shaking as he swallows but then he comes closer. Snuggle as close as possible to my chest. And I don't restrain myself, I hug him back, obviously.

- ... Then, if you are sure, I will tell you everything. Everything I know about their story, anything I went through when I was there, but also... everything you might need to hear now.

I hum, stroking his hair.

- ... Well then, listen carefully Kacchan. ... I'm gonna tell you everything I know.