𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐌𝐄 ☆ 𝑺𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒖𝒔 𝑩𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒌 ✔️

s i x t e e n

Trigger: depression

ϟ

People often underestimate the power of denial.

When Sirius confronts me, I tell him I wasn't staring at him and Penelope. I try to assure him that I merely stumbled upon them in the midst of Regulus' antics.

When he inquires about my feelings, I deny any emotional impact from seeing them together.

And when he asks whether I am comfortable with him continuing to see Penelope and Hannah, I resort to a lie.

I tell him I am.

Though I will never admit it to his face, I am far from okay with the situation.

Unfortunately, it isn't until dinnertime that I manage to slip into my dormitory and curl into bed.

Gradually, the tears come.

As much as I want to deny it, Sirius has managed to make me feel utterly worthless.

I feel alone, betrayed, and inadequate. It isn't his fault, though; he has given me several opportunities to come clean and distance myself, but one look into those grey eyes and it's as if I'm under a spell. I'll tell him anything, as long as he doesn't leave me.

It's not a feeling I'm used to — and I hate it.

The room around me seems to close in, and I'm suffocating in its emptiness. I long desperately for some semblance of comfort, for someone to understand the turmoil within me.

Just then, the door to the dormitory bursts open, and Lily and Marlene enter, both flustered.

Spotting me on the bed, they rush over, and Lily gently takes hold of my hand.

My tear-streaked face turns towards my friends, my eyes hollow and distant. I try to speak, but the words catch in my throat.

"It's okay, Ellie," Lily whispers while stroking the back of my hand.

"I... I don't know what to do," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. "I feel like I'm drowning."

Lily and Marlene have seen me like this before. So they sit by my side, patiently waiting for me to relax and steady my breathing.

The first time they found me in this state was after my father's funeral. I was so broken and desolate that I couldn't leave my bed for days.

In the months that followed, I grappled with bouts of depression until I eventually found a way to manage it.

Or rather, someone.

First, it is Marcus, then Remus, and later a Ravenclaw boy whose name I can't remember.

It's my imperfect yet strangely effective coping mechanism.

It's completely healthy, of course.

I blink back lingering tears, then turn to Marlene, suddenly realizing something. "How did you know I was here? Did Sirius say anything?"

"No," Marlene replies, shaking her head. "Actually, Regulus did. He wanted to make sure you were okay and filled me in on what happened."

Regulus?

Lily's eyes bore into mine, her concern palpable. "Why didn't you tell me you were seeing Sirius?" she interjects.

I let out a sigh, struggling to find the right words. "'Seeing' is perhaps not the right word. It's not... serious," I reply, managing a small smile at the unintentional pun.

"Ellie," Lily begins, her voice gentle yet firm, and she arches an eyebrow. "You are bawling your eyes out. It obviously means something... at least to you."

Marlene puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Ellie, do you like him?"

I reflect on the moments shared with Sirius. How he has opened up about his family, the weight of expectations he carries. How he listens without judgment. The way my body responds to his touch, the warmth of his hands, the memory of his lips.

Tears well in my eyes once more. I can't deny it any longer; I am falling for him, head over heels. I nod slowly.

"You should end it," Marlene advises.

"Marlene!" Lily interjects, pulling me into a comforting hug. "Perhaps you should talk to him. He might feel the same way."

Marlene lets out an exasperated sigh. "As much as I trust Sirius with my life, emotionally, he's about as perceptive as a pebble. If you've got feelings for him, it might be best to let him go."

They leave the matter at that, settling on the bed. Lily hugs me from behind, and Marlene sits upright, my head cradled in her lap.

We remain like that for hours. Eventually, I notice Marlene's breathing slowing, and a soft snore escapes Lily. Meanwhile, sleep eludes me.

I come to a conclusion: I need answers, and there is only one person who can provide them.

Gently, I remove myself from Lily's embrace and slip out of bed. After running a damp towel over my face, I make my way downstairs.