Amidst The Vying Psyches

Kabanata 30

Serenity Hiraya

I was lost. I feel like I was a stranger in a familiar place.

Looking around the unit where we made a lot of memories brought me pain. He didn't come home last night and I didn't know where he slept or whether he had already eaten.

This is what I wanted right? I want him to leave because of my selfish reasons. I did it without even thinking this was his home, too—I was.

I kept asking why I deserve to experience all of this. Was it because I thought so highly of myself before? Is this some kind of punishment?

Or maybe this was the payment for not letting people be ahead of me? For feeling the need to always outsmart other people?

If yes, then why now? Why now when I already changed and I am experiencing genuine happiness? Why now when I know how it feels to be content and satisfied?

I guess this is the consequence of my actions. I knew from the start that I have a priority—to graduate as the class valedictorian to be with my mother in Australia—and not to let any distraction get ahead of me. I should've not let Steven enter my life because I knew this day would come. The day where I need to choose between my love for him and a chance to be with my mom before she leaves this place.

Breaking up with him was the best decision. If I didn't, I know that he would sacrifice his goal of becoming the valedictorian—which also means sacrificing his dream to study music. Because that was what he was doing.

"Raya, anong order mo nga?"

Nawala ako sa malalim na pag-iisip nang tapikin ni Marcus ang balikat ko.

"Huh? Kung ano na lang kay Violet, 'yun na lang sa akin," simpleng sagot ko.

Umirap siya sa akin. "Sure ka? Mango shake? Jusko, beh! Mas pipiliin mo pa yatang kumain ng damo kaysa piliin ang anything na mango flavor."

I chuckled weakly before paying attention to the menu. Pagkatapos kong pumili, muli akong tumingin sa labas para walang kumausap sa akin.

I observed how the car and street lights illuminate the dark evening. It was 7 PM and the people were walking so fast in order to get to their home and loved ones early.

I wondered, when will I feel that again? Kailan ako ulit ako magmamadaling umuwi dahil alam kong may sasalubong sa akin?

It's been two days, and I was still isolating myself from everybody. I feel like mas lumala ang pagiging tahimik ko kumpara sa dati.

Alam na rin ng mga kaibigan ko ang tungkol sa nangyari kaya ginagawa nila ang lahat para pangitiin ako. However, I was the one who's avoiding it. I am with them but I was just like their shadow; not talking unless spoken to, not answering unless they ask me twice.

I feel like I just need more time to process things.

Habang nakikinig ako sa kwentuhan nila ay napadpad ang tingin ko sa entrance ng coffee shop. Nataranta ako ng makita ko ang pamilyar na mukha ni Cameron na may dalang gitara. Kasama niya ang buong banda nila na mas lalong nagpakaba sa akin.

Mabilis akong tumalikod at nagtago sa likod ni Marcus. Mukhang namukaan pa rin ako ni Cameron kaya sunod-sunod na iling ang ginawa ko. Agad niya namang nakuha ang ibig kong sabihin kaya pumili siya ng pwesto na malayo sa amin.

Pinagmamasdan ko lang sila—siya. From now on, I would only look at him from afar.

He looked good... and happy. He was laughing with his friends.

I smiled bitterly when Nadya sat beside him and showed something on her phone. From my perspective, they looked happy together.

Hindi ko napansing lumuluha na naman ako kung hindi pa ako inakbayan ni Marcus para patahanin.