Ashes in the Snow

Twenty-Eight

I come back home and see my mother and Eric, who welcome me with warm hugs. It's nice to see my loved ones again, but it doesn't feel like home. I know this isn't where I belong. There is a sadness that tugs on my heart, reminding me of what I lost.

Coriolanus.

I wonder what he's feeling, what's on his mind. I feel awful I had to hurt him like that. I didn't want to leave him. What was I suppose to do? Allow myself to be sold and lose my autonomy? I don't think I could live like that. To allow any person into my body and do whatever they want to me. I don't think I could be with Coriolanus and live a lie. To know he's not the only person I would give myself to. As Dr. Gaul said, I will be at these parties for the rest of my life, meaning that Coriolanus will be as well. I will be haunted by him for the rest of my life. Haunted of what could have been. I wonder if I could live with that price, to be with Coriolanus.

I sit on a log, staring off into the beautiful field. Admiring all of the different colors and the wind that blows the flowers, delicately.

I hear a twig snap and jump, looking behind me. It's only Eric.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"No need to apologize. After what you went through, I expect nothing less." Eric replies.

He sits on the log next to me.

"You haven't spoken much of the tour," Eric says.

"There's not much to speak of. There were riots in district 3, but the others were fine."

"The girl you killed, she was from district 3?"

I slowly nod my head.

"I've heard what they call you."

I look at him with sadness in my eyes. "The ripper."

He nods his head. "Ashe, you did what you had to in order to survive. The Capitol made you a monster, not you. And after you saw what they did to your friend...it's really no surprise."

"But to brutally kill those kids the way I did.." I trail off.

"Ashe, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. The games were different this year. They painted you out to be this blood thirsty beast, when you're really just a girl who was trying to survive... I know you didn't kill Daniel."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. You wouldn't have killed your own, especially for only lipping off to you. I knew it was the capitol and it wasn't you. I wouldn't be surprised if it was your mentor who did it out of jealousy."

My stomach drops. "What do you mean?"

"It's quite obvious he only wants you for himself, and I don't say that in a good way. He wants you so you can help him work his way up in the Capitol."

"You're wrong about him."

"Am I? Do you honestly believe that?"

Had Eric asked me that question after the games, my answer might have been different. But even if Coriolanus started this relationship with me for his own selfish gain, it wasn't like that the entire time. We both fell in love with each other. I fell in love with the man who always carried a rose with him. The man who didn't look at me like I was a monster or district scum. I fell in love with the man who tried to be better for me. And that leaves me questioning, what is to happen to him? I'm no longer there to pull him out of the darkness. What if Dr. Gaul turns him into her progeny and he's gone? His humanity...

"Ashe..." Eric puts his hand on my back.

I scoot away from him, not wanting to be touched. The only person's touch I want is Coriolanus'. He is the only man I want touching me.

"What the hell happened on that tour?" Eric asks, frustrated. "It's been weeks and you won't let me touch you. And I'm not just talking sexual either, you want let me touch your hand or anything."

"I don't know. I just don't want to be touched."

"I don't understand. Things were hot and heavy after you got back from the games, and now nothing."

Eric gets up and walks away from me, towards the town.

What a life I have to live with. To live with a man who I will never love in the way he deserves. I love Coriolanus from a distance. He lives in my mind and in my heart.

Did I make the right choice?