The Blurred Lines

• Guilt Trip •

| Lavanya |

Its been two months and more of me as a CEO at The Gossip Bee and I had never thought that it would be this exhausting and challenging. Or maybe I knew but I was not prepared, neither I am today. I don't know what's coming next and how to deal with it. In my college days, I used to wonder that how would it feel to be at the top, and if I would ever be there. Would I be left with friends or just foes? And when I am living my dream, it is not pink and purple. It's emotionally draining. Agastya is neither a friend nor a foe. At this moment, he is a nobody to me. Or do I want to believe that he is a nobody to me while all my actions and reactions, are for him? He has annoyed me to the extent that I don't identify myself anymore. Short tempered, stuck and exhausted. Whatever I did in his office was not just a one day frustration, it was my piled up anger, I have been trying to diffuse with jokes and sarcasm since a long time now. Everyone comes with a certain threshold and he made me cross that. For how long, I would have controlled myself? 

I didn't know that a one day leave would destroy everything. We all were working on the story of Inaam Political rally, conducting interviews, gathering details of the drive and reviewing the on site management again and again because all the top leaders were invited for today's event. I knew it was a crucial time to take an off from the office but my father was going to California for a month and I had to visit him once. It was a Sunday yesterday and I thought every thing would go according to our plans. I thought the things were under control and surprisingly Agastya didn't say a word against me this whole time, he just offered some suggestions like a cooperative team member, listening to my cues as well. We were working together like we never did before and I was loving it. As much as he surprised me with his behavior, I was equally happy to see him like that. Concentrated and away from alcohol, thanks to the new rules. But how could I undermine Agastya Raichand? How dare I think that he would let me live in peace and enjoy myself and hope for something more from him? And why the hell I always get soft so easily when it comes to him? Merely forty eight hours or so of his niceness or may I say unproblematic working style and it led me to think of him in a good light. Some days of no cat fights and I began to think about being cordial with him, I began to worry about his addiction. Why am I always so weak and attracted to him? I don't know what it is in him that he ends up giving me hope for a better tomorrow with everything he does. His smallest of actions, his tiny grins, his affirmative eyes, him nodding a positive yes to anything I say, makes me think that maybe there can be respect and... maybe an us? I don't understand how does he do it? Because every fucking time, he makes me regret thinking so. Either he makes me feel as if everything is alright, everything is good or he just shows me the hell, straight. There's no in between. 

Yes! After becoming the CEO, I want the control in my hand, I want everyone to follow my instructions and this is all because of him. On my first day in this office, I never thought of power and control. I never intended to fit into those cliche CEO parameters. But the drive to make Agastya lose in his own drawn battle has made me crave it. It's true that whatever I have said in his office is a lie. At this moment, I don't give a damn about those three employees, they are just a reason behind my frustration, and a cover to let out my anger on him. He again proved me powerless and incompetent while I don't want to prove myself inefficient and a loser in front of him. But is that all? Is that why I was so riled up? No, it isn't only about me coming in power, but about him. He renders me hopeful, mesmerized and expecting whenever he behaves nicely towards me. I begin to daydream about a nearly impossible warmth and affection, which maybe I want to have between us. But as much as his tiny steps towards me lead me to these conclusions, his slightest of rudeness makes me lose my control because his actions give me a reality check. He crushes all the hope in a split second. And that's what happened today.