The Blurred Lines

• Denial •

| Agastya | 

"Its the first time I have heard about your mother from your mouth. You never mentioned her before." Lavanya breathes in the crook of my neck, her voice comes out sweet and concerned as we sit together on the floor, with the support of bed, amidst the broken pieces of glasses of the vase I had thrashed a while ago. It is crazy how I am mentally making sure that she doesn't get hurt by any of these glass pieces, how my eyes are keeping a watch on her every movement and how I am holding her closer to me. It's scary what she does to me. Lavanya's words are charming. Right now she can lure me to hellfire and I won't complain but I know she won't do that. She is too much in love with me. But such is her effect, such is her control over me. I don't know what I am doing right now, I am not intoxicated, I am not vulnerable yet I choose to sit with her, listen to whatever she says, and tonight, at least for tonight I want to do what I want or rather what she wants me to do. I have lost the sense of right and wrong at this moment, I don't have slightest of the inkling if the act of sitting here so close with Lavanya and the urge to stay like this is wrong or right. In fact I don't want to know. I just am following the heart, don't know if it's her or mine. 

"She died in an accident on my tenth birthday." I don't remember telling anyone about Mom with my own will. I had never wanted to go through all those traumatizing memories of a ten year old kid wailing for his dying mom. It took so much nagging from Natasha's side to force me to tell her everything in our dating days. But today, Lavanya brought back so many beautiful memories back without even intending to do so. Whenever I had uttered my mother's name, only her death scenes used to flash in front of my eyes but today, for the first time ever, I was reminiscing about the happier times when she used to put me to sleep, by singing lullabies and bed time stories of princes, princesses and even monsters on my special insistence. I was not saying things in air when I called Love, by the name, Odette. She is looking breathtaking and gorgeous today. The princess I used to imagine, is right now sitting in my arms. With her chocolate brown hair cascaded down up to their natural length, her worn off makeup, tinted dry lips, tired eyes, she still looks drop dead gorgeous. My lips brush against her head and she looks up at me with sadness and continues to draw circles on the back of my hand, which she has been doing since an hour. "I am sorry. I didn't know-"

"-It's okay Love." I rub her arms and continue with a heavy heart. Talking with her has been the easiest tonight. Words just come out of my mouth and it's enough to feel surprised with myself because I am generally a man of few words and there are very few people who see me talking and never stopping. 

"I miss her a lot today. She wouldn't have allowed me to become what I am today. Mom and Natasha were the most the important women in my life and I could have done anything for them."

"How did it happen if I may ask-" Lavanya sits up, straightening herself and her face is now in front of me. I pull her closer though. Sometimes I feel like I will never have enough of her. 

"We were out for a family dinner on my birthday and I was careless enough while playing with my new ball, to not see a speedy car coming towards me but guess what?" I take a pause for the next few words are too heavy. 
"Mom saw the car." A small sad smile plays on my lips as the feelings of helplessness and the images of my Mom's death resurfaces in my head.

My hands begin to tremble as I picture myself unable to pull my Mom from the front of that car. As a child I have had enough nightmares where I forward my hand to pull her safely towards my side, but every time, all I have got is nothing. But today I see Lavanya holding my trembling hand securely in hers and her gesture reminds me of all the happy times and happy memories I have spent with my father. He never made me feel that Mom wasn't with us. He proved himself enough for both of us.