The Blurred Lines

• Between Heaven & Hell •

| Lavanya |

My heart sank at the sight of Agastya lying unconscious in the car parking lot. Agastya has always cried for Natasha's demise and, hated me for publicizing her death, and their relationship, for months now and I have defended myself by saying that it was all professional. I did whatever I could, in my power to make him understand that I am not at fault. I was constantly fighting him and today it all seemed pointless.
Maybe because I had never experienced the death of a close relative, or the feeling of not being able to see someone again except for one time where I chose myself. The inkling of parting ways with someone never really occurred to me until today. I was thrown into a quack, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and would have suffered one, only if Vidyut hadn't been there. The fear of losing Agastya didn't feel right, let alone at my own hands. I felt earth slipping away from under my feet, my breathing almost stopped for my mind weaved images of my life without Agastya and I swear to God, it wasn't as good as I always thought it would be. For the first time ever, I reasoned with Agastya to this extent. While admitting him to the hospital, memories of me and him flashed in my mind. Every tussle, every disagreement, which have always been laced with a certain amount of tension, our eye locks, him looking at me lovingly throughout the party, dancing with me, making me sway and making my heart flutter at the craziest rate, I could see it all in front of my eyes. I now understand how much he misses Natasha and why he's so protective of her.

But he has a reason for it. Agastya has experienced love. He loves Natasha.
And I?
When doctors took him inside, I missed him. His hand in mine, his eyes looking at me, I missed it all. But why? Do I also have a reason to miss him, to feel this way, lonely and lost.

Do I like him?

Vidyut embraced me tightly as I was inconsolable with guilt and those new emotions I was discovering for Agastya. Suddenly the whole life lost its meaning, everything around me seemed worthless without Agastya in it.

"He will be alright Lavanya. But what the heck has happened to you?" Vidyut asked patting my back as I sobbed.

"I know that... but I can't help it." I said, my voice was incoherent. I was breathless. If anything would have happened to Agastya, how would have I lived?
My guilt to do that to him was one reason but his absence in my life is a totally different thing, which scared me to my core.

"Why are you so bothered Lavanya? You are not acting like yourself. I understand that you are sorry but get yourself together please.." He looked at me, enquiring about something which I didn't want to answer. "Do you feel anything for him?" Vidyut paused and thought before speaking those words which made me look at him in disbelief. Am I that obvious?

Do I really love Agastya? Have I fallen for him while waging a war against him? How is this possible?

"No! I don't love him." I snapped in perplexion. My mind denied the possibility of it. It's disastrous.

"When did I say that you love him?" Vidyut asked in horror, and my face grew pale as I got caught.

"But its actually what you meant. I know." I wiped my tears away and detached myself from him.
I left Vidyut and excused myself, and cried in washroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and it was all over my face, I was missing him. I felt uneasy, a strange emptiness in my stomach, my gut clenched. I was baffled to realize it on my face. When did this happen? How could it happen? How the fuck I can fall in love with a person who hates me to the core, who humiliated me so much, and lastly, the person who's irrevocably in love with someone else?