The Blurred Lines

• Unwilted Memories •

| Agastya |

"WHAT ON EARTH AGASTYA!!" I scream at the top of my voice, words coming out like a growl. My lips tremble with agony and wrath at every word spoken, the glass chandelier which once beautified the living room is now broken into pieces of pieces after getting hit by a baseball bat by me, certain glass pieces pierce through my skin when my hand is already bandaged, yet I feel nothing as strong as the guilt I am feeling right now for kissing Lavanya, for not feeling disgusting about it but unshackled and unrestrained. Five long hours have passed but that moment hasn't left my mind. The whole moment keeps on replaying in front of my eyes. How can I cheat on Natasha again and again and not feel bad about what I do? What is there in Lavanya which keeps me on my edge, makes me forget my own rules, cross the boundaries and keeps me closer to her? Never in my wildest of the dreams, I had thought that my sheer hatred for her will turn into a fatal attraction. I am obsessed with her and this is not right. I want her like a human needs air, like a moth is drawn to a flame, like a beggar wants a penny, I am worse than a beggar actually. Lavanya is like drug for me. But when did it happen? Probably the night I chose to kiss her, to mark her mine instead of sending her away from me. I am feeling like a fucking man wh*re right now.

( The worst part is, I'm not feeling it, I'm trying or rather forcing myself to feel disgusted. )

Lavanya kissed me to tell me that I did it consciously, that I was equally involved, that it was my decision and now I have no right to tell her otherwise. Fucking again. Lavanya again has become a live reminder of my mistakes. She is nothing but a fucking reminder that I am a loser. Her loser.

I was trying hard to act normal, to stay away from her, to safeguard myself from the shame and guilt I am feeling, for not actually fancying anything. But nobody helped. Not even Love. But do I really want to be helped? No. Because I love it whenever she is beneath me, swayed and charmed, I savour the feeling of her lips on mine, her fingers callously playing with my hair, her skin under my touch. She feels like a magical spell casted on me because I lose all my sanity and rationality at her one glance. She invites me to do the blunder again and again, and what do I do? I happily play along. There is never a no on my lips. And today she was right about everything. After kissing her like that, I can't run away but who's gonna tell her that even if I am trying, I am not able to forget anything. She's too pretty of a sin to be forgotten so easily.

"What has happened Agastya?" Vidyut asked me three days back when I nodded in positive and didn't put forward my views in the meeting led by Lavanya.

"Nothing has happened." I had lied.

"Seems like your medication had sedatives in majority. I have never seen you this calm and quiet." Vidyut smirked.

"and you will not get to see your toothy grin again when I will punch you and break your teeth." I said.

"How many people will you punch?" Vidyut laughed, I looked at him, and he continued "Entire office is talking about you and Lavanya and your changed dynamics. Something has happened for sure." I had pretended to not give a fuck about his opinion but Vidyut was right. Everyone in the office is well aware about the tension and strange silence between me and Lavanya. God knows how many times I have found people staring at us, whispering in each other's ears about us, there have been eyes looking at us with awe, adoration and sometimes as a subject of juicy gossip. Even I haven't stopped stealing glances at her this entire week, my eyes practically didn't leave her. Though her presence reminded me of my sins, yet I felt belonged. I felt happy that she was right there, in front of my eyes. What has changed between us? Wasn't I supposed to teach her a lesson? Wasn't I meant to stay away from her? She is like a magnet herself, I have seen her. How disappointed she was this whole time, for not getting my attention.