Chameleon - Shoto ASD fic -

20

!!!TW!!!

SH, suicidal ideation

CHAPTER 20

I'm lying awake.

Worthless. Pathetic. Useless.

I turn over, trying to get the voices out of my head.

I'm never going away, I'll always be part of you.

Please, leave me alone.

Nope. In fact, you know what we're going to do now?

I sign, knowing where this is going.

I don't want to.

You deserve it for being a burden to your boyfriend and his mother.

I'm about to get up, when I remember the elastic band Shinso gave me. I pull it out of my bag, placing it onto my wrist.

'Deku?' I whisper. He doesn't respond. I pull the band back, releasing it. Just like Shinso said, there's a sharp pain. A welt begins to form on my arm. I smile.

Do it again.

I pull back the band, and release again. And again, and again, and again. I work myself into a frenzy. I can't stop, it's so addicting. Not quite the same release as cutting, but defintely helps with the voices.

I stop, and calm down my heavy breathing.

You just hurt yourself whilst your boyfriend was in the room. That's a new low for you.

Shut up.

Nope, never. You're so pathetic Shoto. You should never have been born.

Shut up.

He's going to leave you, you know. Then you'll be all alone again.

SHUT UP. I push my hands to my ears, and begin rocking.

Shut up shut up shut up shut up...

KILL YOURSELF.

'No!' I say. I feel like I can't breathe again. Shit.

'Shoto? You okay' I hear a half-asleep voice ask me. 'Y-yeah, I'm okay'. He rolls over, and I hear his heavy breathing again. He's back asleep.

My chest gets tighter and tighter, and I try and rock faster and faster. It feels like I'm underwater. I can't hear anything, there's a loud ringing in my ears.

You need to leave, now. Or you'll wake him up again.

I crawl out of the bed, forcing myself up and through the door. I stumble down the corridor, feeling along the walls as I do so. I reach the bathroom. I lie on my back, and try and regulate my breathing. I'm full on panting now.

I think I'm going in and out of conciousness. Am I? I don't know anymore.

I hear a knock at the bathroom door. 'Izuku, honey, is that you?' SHIT. You've woken Inko.

'You having another panic attack honey? Do you need my help?'

Get her to leave now.

I try formulating words, but nothing comes out. There's not enough air in my lungs to breathe, let alone form words.

'I'm coming in'. I hear the door open, and feel a warm presence beside me.

'Oh Shoto honey. Okay. I need you to listen to my voice'. Okay, I think I can do that.