bad guy | b.e.

Pinky swears | 019

B I L L I E

I'm such an idiot.

What the actual fuck possessed me to act the way I do?

Why do I keep hurting Jordyn? And most importantly, why does she forgive me when I'm such an asshole?

I mean, I don't really ever let her get away, but why is she nice to me after everything I've done to her? It's been months since she moved here and I'm still horrible to her.

I wish I could change.

You're probably wondering why I'm still acting like a bitch to her at school, and the answer is.. I don't even know.

I don't know why it seems so scary to let other people see who I really am. I feel like if I let my guard down and showed people how I actually am, everyone will think I'm weak.

I don't ever want anyone to see me like that.

It's my biggest fear.

But I hate being mean to Jordyn when I love her. Not, um, like that, but I love her as a friend and having her as my friend.

I don't have feelings for Jordyn. That would be crazy.

Right..?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Anyways...

I need to apologize to her. She obviously won't talk to me and she avoided me at school today, so I'm going over to her house.

And because I'm an asshole, I'm getting her flowers again too.

She deserves everything, but I treat her like shit. I wish I could just stop being the way I am. I don't like being mean to Jordyn. In fact, I don't like being mean to anyone.

Well, at least anyone who doesn't deserve it.

Either way, how I treat Jordyn is never going to make her want me. I'll never be able to have her.

Uh, I mean, as like, have her as a friend.

You know what I mean.

After my whole mental breakdown, I get up and grab my car keys before heading out of my room. "Ma, I'm going out. I'll be home in a little while." I tell my mom.

"Where are you going, sweetie?" She asks. "Jord's house." I say, sheepishly looking at the floor. "Oh, tell her I say hi." Mom smiles.

"Uh, yeah, I will." I give her a quick fake smile before walking out of the house.

I get in my car and start driving to the store to get Jordyn flowers. Once I get there, I head inside and pick some out for her. I remember she once mentioned to me that she lays tulips and petunias down on her mom's grave for her mom's birthday every year, and that she loves them because they were also her mom's favorites, according to her dad.

Since I know this, those flowers are exactly the ones I bought her.

After paying for them, I head back out to my car and start driving over to her house. I'm praying she's home and not with fucking Normani.