Beneath The Depths

Chapter Nineteen

The first month of Kylie's life was full of growth but the hardest for me. I was struggling with postpartum depression but Kyle was also on bed rest. He was severely ill now and could no longer walk. We had a nurse from the hospital staying with us to be Kyle's caregiver for the remaining time he had left. I got to see him a few times out of the day but I mostly was preoccupied with Kylie. I took her in there a few times to see Kyle but most of the time he was sleeping or getting his medication. It didn't seem right that we were no longer sleeping in the same bed. We've been sleeping in the same bed ever since we first started dating. We might have taken it a little fast but we also fell in love fast.
I went into the bedroom and the nurse was giving Kyle his IV. I was holding Kylie in my arms and pulled a chair up to the side of the bed. His face lightened up when I sat down beside him. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
"How you doing today?"
"I'm fine. I'm just exhausted." I rubbed my thumb across his hand and looked him deeper in the eyes.
"Listen. I just want you to know that I'm ready when you are. Whenever you feel it's time to go just do it. I shouldn't be holding you back." He looked away from me and sighed.
"It's just so hard to let go. You don't know how much I love you." I started crying and rubbed my eyes.
"You're gonna have to and you just have to accept that." Tears were streaming down his face like never before and the sun left a shine on his face.
"I just need you to know that you are the woman I loved most in life. Nobody could ever come close to you and I just want you to take care of her for me." He rubbed his hand through Kylie's hair and kissed her hand.
I got up to kiss him then left the room. It was time for Kylie's feeding.
Later that night I sat in her room in her rocker and was scrolling through old photos of Kyle and me. We looked so happy at that time. It was before everything went downhill. Everything seemed so perfect for us. I had a feeling that tonight or tomorrow will be when he passes. He needs to let go but he just can't. I've tried to explain to him that it's ok. I don't want him to be in pain anymore. He doesn't deserve this. Especially since he's doing it for me. I glanced over at the clock in the corner of my screen. It was now after midnight. A brand new day has started. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I can't tell if it's because of Kylie or my fear of Kyle dying when I'm not with him. I was never gonna be ready for this but it took time. I felt like my body was useless. I had a cut on my forehead and a band around my stomach that had been recently cut open. Some nights it hurt like hell to even try to do anything I looked down for a second and saw Kylie asleep on my chest. Her face was all squished up but it was so adorable. I admired this moment for as long as I could until the door of the room opened.