~Mental pain~ Matt Sturniolo

𝟎𝟑. relapse

936 words.
T.W. blood, crying, swearing, very descriptive self injury.

Matt is sitting on the couch watching some tv. He's kinda exhausted but can't seem to sleep. He looks at the tv being bored as fuck. Nothing seems to be fun anymore. Nothing gives him the familiar feeling of happiness or adrenaline. Not even making videos or doing fun things with his brothers. Matt feels empty. More empty than he's ever been. It's like he's on some kind of medication that makes you numb. Matt looks at the wall in front of him. How can I fix this numbness?

And then, suddenly Matt's mind snaps to the relieving feeling of blood pouring from his wrists. The pain, the tears, the fear, the comforting feeling of red covering his arm. Matt shakes his head. I can't I shouldn't.

He gets up to go to the bathroom. the thought of cutting was always in the back of his mind, it just seems like it got bigger now. While Matt is using the bathroom he thinks.

Should I? I really want to.. I can't. I have to feel something I can't feel like this forever.

Matt opens the mirror cabinet. A pack of razor blades coming to his attention. Matt closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm down. But instead of calming down his sight flashes back to the nights he sat on the bathroom floor, alone. With no one by his side because the people who were supposed to be there didn't care about him. They were sleeping together when Matt cut the blades through his skin.

His mind was at the one night when he cut his wrists for the first time. It went exactly like now.

Matt can't help but feel extreme loneliness in that moment. His eyes blurred with tears. His chest rises and drops faster.

Without thinking he grabs the pack of blades and unboxes it. He aggressively pulls his sleeve up and drags the blade across his skin deeply. And another, and another. It doesn't take long until his wrist is covered in blood.

When he suddenly snaps out of thoughts he gasps loudly at all the blood dripping down his arm. It's not like he hasn't seen it before, it's more because he wasn't supposed to. He was never supposed to have a razorblade touch his skin again.

"Noo.." Matt cries. He lets his knees give in and collapses on the ground, sobbing. This was supposed to distract him, right? Then why didn't it? Why does it give him the most miserable feeling he ever felt?

At least it's something, right?

But I wasn't supposed to.. he pictures the disappointed faces of his brothers when they realize he cut himself again.

"Why can't you just be normal?!" Matt cries out. Talking to himself.
He stands up to look in the mirror only to make him cry harder.

He pulls his sleeve down and runs out of the bathroom, heading to anywhere.

He opens the door to Nicks room.

"Nick!" Matt exclaims while sobbing. Nick's body instantly rises out of bed.

He sees Matt collapse to his knees while crying his heart out.

"Matt, What happened?!" Nick quickly pushes the covers off himself and rushes to his brother's side. He catches Matt just in time before he would've fully fallen on the ground.

"Matt buddy calm down, it's okay" Nick says while grabbing Matt's wet face. "Shh, take a deep breath baby." Nick takes a deep breath and motions for Matt to repeat him.

Matt manages to get out two deep breaths but starts to sob again. "Nick I- I cut!" He looks up at Nicks face with wild eyes. "I'm sorry.." Nick's face fills with confusion.

"Wait wha- Matt what do you mean- did you relapse?" Without asking Nick pulls up Matt's sleeve only to reveal some old purple scars. "I'm sorry." Matt whines.
Nick snatches Matt's other arm from him already seeing blood seeping through his hoodie. He carefully brings the sleeve up unveiling countless of deep red wounds on his arm. The rest of his arm is covered in blood.

"Okay, okay, it's okay Matt you're good buddy." Nick takes Matt by the waist and helps him walk to his own bathroom.
"Come on." Nick puts his brother down in front of the sink and runs the water, he gets a towel and wets it before gently wiping the blood off Matt's wrist. After that he unboxes a huge band aid and presses it down on the cuts who are still bleeding a little. Nick throws the hoodie in his trash can. And finally looks up at Matt.

He's crying, his whole face is red and guilt is written in his eyes. He looks broken.

"Oh Matty.." Nick sighs as he pulls Matt in for a warm hug. When they pull away Nick takes a hoodie and puts it on Matt.

He takes Matt and lays him down on his bed while laying beside him. "Matt?" Matt slowly looks up. "You okay?" Nick asks with a sympathetic tone in his voice. Matt only shakes his head while tears start streaming down his face again. Nick instantly pulls Matt in for a hug and lets him sob in his chest. "Shh it's okay." Nick soothes his brother and strikes his hair.

"I'm sorry Nick." Matt sobs out.
"Shh it's fine you don't have to be sorry baby." Nick gives Matt a kiss on the forehead and pulls him more in his chest while rubbing his cheek.

"Relapses are okay Matty."

Matt smiles and Nick continues to comfort Matt for the rest of the night before they fall asleep.