~Mental pain~ Matt Sturniolo

𝟐𝟕. 𝖨 𝖣𝖮𝖭𝖳 𝖶𝖠𝖭𝖳 𝖳𝖮 𝖦𝖤𝖳 𝖡𝖤𝖳𝖳𝖤𝖱

T.W. self harm, blood, crying, screaming, self hatred.

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𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒂𝒏 𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆
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Matthew lets a single tear stream down his pale face. It's not a tear of sadness though, it's a thick tear of nothing but pure rage. The anger flowing through the boy's veins suffocates him. He hates this. Wasn't he supposed to be better? Matt hates being 'better'. It doesn't feel like him. He feels more empty than ever. He misses it.

The misery, the fear, the sadness, the pain, tears, the blood streaming from his wrists, the panic attacks. He's embarrassed to admit it but he misses it more than anything ever. But what he misses the most is Nick and Chris, the hugs, the gentle touch, the head massages, the nicknames, the kisses on his forehead, the way they would hold him. He hates that he's become so clingy. Chris and Nick have gone back to the way they were before.
Normal.

Sure, a few pats on the back here and there, hugs and 'matty's but not much more than that. The pure distress pouring from Matt's head is taunting the broken boy. He wants to scream, cry, cut, die, punch in a wall, punch himself. The only problem is that there's no one to hold him while he does anymore.

The boy lets out a frustrated sob, letting tears stream down his face. He slides down his bedroom wall, shooting a gaze at the mirror placed on the other side of his room. When he sees the person in the mirror all he wants is to punch him. Tell him not to be so fucking stupid. But another part of him wants to tell the person in the mirror that he should kill himself, to spare himself this misery. To get the fuck out of his own head. To give Chris and Nick a reason to hold him again. They would care if you die, you know they would.

This is Matt's breaking point.

This is the fucking last straw.

Why do they only care about me when I'm sick?

Fuck..
FUCK.

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𝑴𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒌𝒏𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒑𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆
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Someone in his head suddenly screams at him to teach them a lesson.
To let them know he wasn't okay. To make them feel the same misery as he does right now.
He needs them to blame themselves.

Matt squeezes his eyes shut as he whimpers desperately in pain and anger. He lets loud sobs escape his mouth. Without thinking he brings his flat hand up and hits himself right in the face. He gasps while leaning forward and licking the tears off his lips. He leans his body forward, his head resting on the floor and the rest of his body on hands and knees.

He starts banging his head onto the ground. He isn't supposed to do it so hard, he knows it. But he isn't even in the right mind to care. After twenty minutes he opens his eyes, backing away from the spot on the ground that is now covered in a puddle of blood. Sobbing, the boy brings his shaking hand to his forehead. He winces when feeling the spot. He pulls his hand away to see his fingertips being covered in dark red liquid.

He's in so much pain, just not enough..

He looks up at the mirror again. Blood is pouring from his forehead all the way till his neck. Matt gasps at the sight. He's drenched in sweat and the tears are pouring, now starting to reach his chest. The pained kid lets out a loud, long whine. Pure sadness lingering through his voice. He then hears the front door opening and closing. Matt jumps up and twists his head towards the door. Shit, Nick and Chris are home.

Matt cries while stumbling up and running to his bathroom, closing his door and locking himself in. He opens the drawer where his razors were in. Nick removed them but he doesn't know that Matt had one more blade. The one he always used. He stopped using it after a while because it was absolutely destroyed, rusty, moldy and broken. He told himself it wasn't good to use anymore but right now he only cares if it's sharp. So he opens the drawer, grabs the broken blade and lets himself slide down the wall while sobbing.

Not a soul can describe how much pain Matt is in right now. It feels like a knife is repeatedly getting thrown in his chest. The anger throbbing through his veins and the burning sensation in his throat makes him wince when he moves any body part or limb.

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𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒏𝒐 𝒃𝒊𝒈 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒚
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He can't think straight. Can't breathe, can't feel anything other but rage and pain. Matt lets a loud cry out while he presses the blade against the skin on his wrist. He presses down with full force while he cries of pain. One cut, then another and another. His wrist starts throbbing and dark blood starts pouring from his arm.

His ears start ringing.

He flinches from his name being called. "MATT OPEN THE DOOR!" He hears Chris screaming. He lets out a sob in response. A loud bang fills the room. Fear starts throbbing in his brain. Out of pure terror he moves his blade to the other arm. Quickly starting to rip in the skin on his left arm. Loud yelling is now coming from the other side of the room while Matt is still sobbing. A bang then enters the boy's ears. His ears hurt at it, it's way louder than the one before.

Matt's voice erupts into a loud, heartbreaking scream. All his emotions are thrown into the vocal cords. An insane amount of fear, sadness, pain, anger and desperation. Ending with a broken cry. "Nicky.." the boy sobs in pain. The banging sound gets even louder at it and Matt squeezes his eyes shut again, throwing his bloodied hands over his ears while heartbreaking sobs fill the empty room. He throws his head against the wall again, banging the back of his head against it.

He breaks into a panic attack. And then the bathroom door finally breaks open, making Matt gasp.

The boy brings his hand without thinking back to his arm, cutting into the pale skin again.

"Matt.."

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𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒈𝒈𝒆𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒚
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