I'll tell ya
Having a child die on ya really changes the way you see a lot of things.
Like mortality, the reality of your own demise;
Becomes like a promise.
And it didn't really matter what "after-life" scenario I subscribed to,
My eternal sleep is the solid idea of being done that holds comfort.
Done like she is.
In whatever capacity she is done, I look forward to being done as well.
Not in a "take my life" way,
More a live like I wish she had. Live like she should have.
It taught me distance,
Distance from "what happened",
Because "what happened" isn't going anywhere.
It's there, right in front of me every day.
My child committed suicide,
And nothing I do or say,
Nothing I did or didn't do,
Or said, or maybe didn't say-
Those things are never,
Not ever going to change.
And talking about it carries her with me;
But she didn't want to be here, you see?
So I had to make room,
Make distance,
Between "what happened" and me.
And how I see people changed.
Everyone is filtered through the lens of fear.
What is my level of investment?
If you die,
Like she died,
Will I be able to handle the grief load?
And missing someone,
Is easier then needing them to be there and they're not.
So my level of need for others diminished.
I would rather serve in love than be lost in love.
And that is how she shaped my love.
A love that doesn't need,
Because she was the only daughter I had, or would ever have,
And she didn't want to be here.
And how you unravel that describes how she changed how I love in this world.
ElizaBeth ARt
