~Mental pain~ Matt Sturniolo

𝟎𝟗. I hate me, do you?

I put my heart and soul in this but I'm so scared it isn't good enough😭😭 do y'all think I've been excluding Nick too much? Because idk why I do it it just fits more every chapter. As y'all may realize my writing is a little depressing but ehm.. I'm fine I promise💗💗 this is, a real sad chapter, I cried writing this so ehm.. yay ig. I know y'all love angst😘

‼️T.W. depression, really intense self hatred, suicide talk, fluff, crying, swearing.

———————————————
Chris silently opens the door from his brother's bedroom. The kid hasn't come out of it yet. It's one PM and Chris had just woken up from his nap with Nick. He suspected Matt to be up already but when he walks into the room his body doesn't move at all. "Matty?" Chris whispers softly. He walks up to his brother only to realize he is not asleep. He just lies there. eyes open, zoned out, no expression. Chris kneels down next to Matt and strikes some hair out of the boys face. He immediately sees Matt's terrified eyes.

"Matt, What's wrong buddy?" Chris asks him while laying his hand on his cheek and rubbing it gently. "I feel like shit." Matt sighs. Voice fragile and hoarse. Chris sighs and gets up to jump next to his brother in the bed. "Alright bud, Cm'ere." He says while pulling Matt towards him.
Matt works against it a bit but eventually goes with it.

When laying there for a few minutes Matt decides to want to get his thoughts off his chest.

"I hate myself so much,"

his voice breaks while finally saying the sentence that tortured him his whole life. Chris feels a heavy pang in his heart as he fights back tears and pulls Matt even closer to his chest.

"I- I'm never good enough for anyone or anything. There are these- voices in my head, telling me that I'll never be good enough."

Chris starts to softly run his hair through Matt's dirty hair while letting a few tears drop down his face.

"that I'll never be- attractive enough, or smart enough. Or that I'm unlovable. that everyone just pity's me because they couldn't actually love me.. that no one would be sad if I died. Or actually cares. That life would be better without me. And I just feel so disgusting and ugly all the time. I can't see how anyone could ever love me. Because I'm a fucking loser. And I just can't stop hating every single thing about me. That's why- why I hurt myself.."

Chris feels his shirt getting tear soaked but can't blame his brother since he also has full on tears streaming down his face.

"And- and you can tell me I'm wrong all you want. But the voices won't stop because of it. I just can't, stop, feeling alone and trapped inside my body. And I'm so grateful that I have you two, because I know, that, if I wouldn't have had you two I would've killed myself a while ago."

Matt lets out a sigh. Afraid of what he'll confess after that.

"I probably would have done that the night of the podcast if you hadn't come after me.."

Matt's voice is shaky and raw. His voice broke several times during that sentence. He's done now. He confessed it, finally. He couldn't handle the pressure of that secret alone anymore. He finally shared the fact that he almost killed himself.

Chris and Matt both have thick tears streaming down their faces. Chris can feel his heartstrings getting pulled aggressively.

"Matty.."

He takes a breath but that doesn't stop him from his shaky voice breaking several times during the simple nickname he just spoke.

"You know I won't leave you alone anymore now that you've confessed this huh?" Chris chuckles through his tears.

Matt can't think of saying anything else than:

"I don't want you to.."

At that, Chris holds his brother even tighter and kisses the top of his head.

"Matt," Chris says while crying. He pulls Matt away from him and holds his head to look him in the eyes.

"Can you please, please- just accept the fact that Nick and me love you so Fucking much and that we would never want to lose you, how ugly, or miserable, or gross you are, we would never ever want to lose you. Never forget that Matty please accept the amount of love that we have for you.. even if it'll take a while."

Matt lets more tears escape his eyes and instead of answering he just breaks out in heavy sobbing.

Chris doesn't hesitate and pulls Matt close to him again. "Shh Matt I'm here baby.." he whispers into his ear along with countless of I love you's.

Matt's crying slowly starts to die down and at this point they just lay there and hold each other desperately. It's all that matters at this point. Holding each other, feeling each other. Matt missed the connection they have build through physical touch. It's like a language they've created between the three of them. A language no one knows about. It's like a healing process, a way to express their love for each other. The way they feel each other, their pain, love, sadness, everything gets clearer through just laying here and being held, or holding the other.

It's all Matt wants at some moments.

"I feel so empty."

"I know baby, we'll help you through this I promise."

Matt buries his head further in Chris's shoulder.

"I just want to enjoy life again."

"You will, I'll make sure of it."

Matt feels another kiss being pressed on his hair.

"I'm exhausted."

"I know Matty go to sleep."

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"Yeah of course."

Matt smiles. "What if I never wake up?" He chuckles.

"Too soon Matty." Chris laughs and ruffles his hands through Matt's hair. Matt smiles and closes his eyes to slowly fall asleep.

"I'll love you forever Matty."

"Promise?"

"Promise."