The Ghost of You ~ TaeGyu

14

🦋

If you were to ask Beomgyu why he did what he did, he probably couldn't give you a straight answer, he didn't exactly know himself.

He did know two things though, one, that Yeonjun would never push him away, maybe be because he loved him and that that was the only way he could have him, part of him at least. Maybe because he was afraid of Beomgyu leaving again; that, he didn't know. Two, because it felt good. The grounding feeling of someone's hands reaching out and toying with you until you forgot about everything, until the things that once made your heart heavy fade away to the back of your head just for a minute or two, and when it's over, when you lay down against the sheets dampened with sweat, your words from moment before sunken into the cotton and forgotten with a heavy breath.

He wished he didn't use Yeonjun like that, he wished that when he did he didn't love it so much, but, the sunset was never kind.

🦋

I knew Yeonjun for a long time, way before I had met Taehyun.

Yeonjun and I had been friends since elementary school. 

From playing  with toys, child-like laughter echoing through the room as we ran around, nothing being able to falter the smiles on our faces to our skin being flush together, our lips attached with vehemence, the only thing separating us being the tears flowing from our eyes which showed no signs of stopping.

Getting older is weird, as you grow you lose that naiveness that once protected you, that held you in it's arms and shielded you from how cruel the world really was, as time passed, reality would weaken the arms of  it, and then you'd be dropped into the pool of self-awareness.

Yeonjun used to hold me to comfort me over a scraped knee, I never expected him to hold me as  I cried over losing someone dear to me. 

Yeonjun cared for me a lot, he always had.

It was like Yeonjun could never hurt me because he loved me too much but Taehyun loved me so much that he hurt me.

-

"How are you and Taehyun?" Yeonjun asked, huddled to my side as a movie from Netflix played that neither of us really paid attention to.

"Fine, why do you ask?"

"I dunno, just worried I guess."

"We're fine."

Yeonjun sighed, pressing his cheek against my shoulder. "It confuses me, how you like him so much but he can't even touch you."

I looked down at Yeonjun. "How do you know about that?

"I talked with his sister."

"Ryujin?"

Yeonjun nodded. "He needs to get over his trauma."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, you don't know?"

I scooted away, facing Yeonjun completely. "Know what?"

"His mom used to touch him when he was younger, that's why he doesn't live with her."

I was shocked, he never mentioned this, it all started to make sense, why he didn't like the mention of her, why he didn't like to be touched.

Why didn't Ryujin ever tell me this?

Could I bring this up with Taehyun?

"Seriously, he has some issues."

"Excuse me? How could you say that?" I rose my voice, angry that Yeonjun could downplay such trauma he had to go through.

"Just because he was touched by his mommy when he was little isn't an excuse to be a psychopath."

"What is wrong with you."

"What's wrong with ME? What's wrong with him? I don't understand how you're so blind."

I wasn't blind. I knew he wasn't well, I knew he didn't treat me well. He was unwell, he had been for a long time.

If taking it out on me helped, then I didn't care.

🦋

As Beomgyu pushed open the door to his room, guilt coating his skin in a thick itchy layer, he was met with a familiar face.

Taehyuns.

Beomgyu let out a sob, stumbling into his arms, he didn't hesitate to hold him back, a feeling Beomgyu still wasn't used to.

"Where were you?"

"I was with you the entire time."

Beomgyu looked up, blinking away his tears before meeting his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

Taehyun brushed the hair from Beomgyus face, tilting his head slightly to the right.

"I'm relived you love me more than him you know, I just didn't expect you to say it to his face."

Beomgyus eyes widened, opening his mouth to speak but no words came out.

After awhile of silence that felt like long, agonizing hours, Beomgyu finally formed the words.

" Aren't you mad? "

"No, because you were thinking about me, weren't you?"

"..."

"Well?"

"Yeah."

Taehyun reached out to him, holding his cheek in his palm.

Beomgyu avoided his gaze, his body trembling.

"Look at me." Taehyun said softly, but Beomgyu felt anything but at ease when he said those words. Reluctantly, Beomgyu met his eyes stilling immediately when he saw his dark, empty eyes that seemed to pierce right through him like a sharpened blade.

"I'm still your number one, aren't I?" Taehyun said with a tone that Beomgyu couldn't place, a tone he hadn't heard before.

"Yes!" Beomgyu nodded frantically, tears threating to fall from his eyes. "Always. I'd drop him for you."

Taehyun smiled and Beomgyu smiled back, despite the tears that began streaming down his face.

"Good boy." Taehyun wiped the tears from Beomgyus face.

Despite the heavy feeling in his stomach, he found himself itching for more praise, for Taehyun to be pleased with him.

He wanted to do everything he could to please him.

🦋