A State of Decay

Chapter 17

Izuku was terrified, plain and simple. 

He was terrified of what Shigaraki would say to him if he let him in again. So, he kept the mental shields in place and tried his best not to think about the man at all. It had been a week since he talked to Shigaraki, and it was weird. After conversing with him as often as he had been, the absence in his life was sorely felt. 

Whenever he does let himself think about it, his anxiety skyrockets and he finds himself unable to think about anything else. Whatever he did to make Shigaraki run away like that must have been pretty bad. 

Was it the way he kissed him or maybe the sounds he made? Maybe Shigaraki didn't like it as much as Izuku did. He felt embarrassed when he thought about how he'd acted. When he kissed him, he was completely unable to control his body's reaction. 

He'd gone to therapy again but hadn't said much to Ms. Ono. He wasn't really sure what to talk about or what to say to the woman. She was pleased that he'd been keeping a journal, but other than that, she gave him the same notes as last time. He needed to fix his sleeping schedule and talk to his friends. 

When he thinks about friends, he instantly thinks of Shigaraki. They'd somehow grown closer despite everything, but Izuku had messed that one up, too. Now, he was alone again. 

He shakes his head and tries not to let thoughts about Shigaraki fill his mind. Since his last leads led nowhere, he's currently on the lookout for Stain The Hero Killer again. If he can find Stain, then he might get one step closer to his goal. 

His tracking has led him to a pretty sketchy part of town. He's already had to fight off a few thugs here and there, and it's getting tiring. From where he's at on the rooftops, he watches a certain street, hoping that the top he got on where Stain has been staying was legit.

"You've been looking for me, I heard," someone says behind Izuku, and he nearly jumps out of his skin at the surprise. He whips himself around, unexpectedly coming face to face with the man he'd been tracking for weeks. 

"I have," Izuku responds. He stays vigilant, not knowing whether Stain might attack him or not. 

"What's your business with me?" The Hero Killer's hand grips the blade he has secured in his belt, seemingly just on edge as Izuku. 

"I'm looking for like-minded people. People who might want to help me," Izuku tells him. 

Stain scoffs. 

"Like-minded? What makes you think that you and I have anything in common?" 

Izuku opens his mouth to speak, but The Hero Killer keeps going. 

"I remember you. Deku, you called yourself. A silly name for a hero." Stain takes a few steps closer to Izuku, who has nowhere to go except off the roof if he wants to escape. He knows he can take Stain one on one, so he doesn't falter in his stance. "Once upon a time, I regarded you as worthy. I thought you were a true hero. But you want to know what I see now? Do you really want to know, Deku?" 

The way the villain says his old hero name has a little bit of bite to it, and he can't help but think Stain is addressing him by the meaning of the name instead of the name in itself. 

"You are worthless. You, like many other heroes, have forgotten the true meaning behind what it means to be a hero. You and your vigilante garbage, claiming you're doing the right thing, have gotten you nowhere. You're spiraling. I used to think you were worthy. And looking at you now, after following you the last few weeks, I can see how wrong I was."

Izuku's stomach drops at the man's words. Yes, this man was a villain, but his convictions had always held true, even during the war. The villain's words were like a stab to the heart. Izuku was paralyzed not by the villain's bloodcurdle quirk but by the words being fired at him like bullets. 

"Tell me this, hero," Stain says. "When's the last time you actually saved anyone? When was the last time you did anything heroic?" 

Izuku wracks his brain, trying to recall the last act of heroism he completed, but his mind is blank. 

"You've let go of everything you used to stand for, and it's sad. You're nothing but a poor excuse for a hero. So no. I would never work with someone like you. If I were holding true to my values, I'd strike you down right now."

He pauses his speech, leaving a heavy silence that lets his words sink into Izuku. 

"I won't. I'll give you another chance. Show me you remember what it means to be a hero, Deku." 

With that, Stain was gone. Izuku could do nothing but stand there in shock, feeling it all the way down to his bones. 

He drops to his knees, and his chest begins to heave as he takes in The Hero Killer's words. 

Not worthy. 

Not worthy.

Not worthy. 

Izuku wasn't worthy. 

Once upon a time, Deku was regarded as one of the greatest heroes. No, he was never number one or anything close to it, but he was one of the greatest. He saved people with a smile on his face. He looked out for the little guy. He was there for civilians, he helped save people from disasters and took care of those in need. 

There was much more to being a hero than what he was currently doing. 

Deep down, he always knew this. He never felt fulfilled with what he was doing, and maybe he was just lost. But he feels as if he's strayed so far from the light that he could never get back to where he was, no matter how hard he tried. People didn't believe in Deku anymore. He was a Deku—not the hero. He wasn't a hero. 

All this time, he thought he'd been chasing after his dreams, no matter the cost. But it took a literal villain to talk some sense into Izuku. He wasn't a hero. 

Only a single thought crosses his mind. 

If All Might were still alive, he would be so disappointed in Izuku. 

Tears well up in his eyes, and he can't help it when they start to fall in streams down his cheeks. He sobs and wails, not worrying about anyone hearing him. Maybe, if someone were to strike him down, he'd deserve it. So, he didn't care if anyone heard him crying. 

As he cried, he felt the tell-tale tingle of Shigaraki in the back of his mind. He felt the pushing, and he knew that his former Nemesis was trying to find a way around the walls he'd erected around himself. For some reason, this was the last straw for him. 

Someone like Shigaraki and The League of Villains were able to turn themselves around and become better people. But Izuku? He was spiraling out of control. He had lost sight of who he was and what he stood for somewhere along the way, and he didn't know how to get back. 

If he were to return to the way things were before, no one would want a hero like him anyway. 

Once he calmed himself down a little bit, he leaves the rooftop and heads home to his apartment. When he enters his room, he doesn't even have the energy to strip off his 'hero' suit before laying down on his mattress. He curls himself into a tight ball and continues to break down. 

Every time Izuku thought he was doing better or felt like he was getting closer to stepping back into the light, it was ripped from his fingers. He would never touch the light again. He could bite and claw and latch onto it as hard as he could, but it would never be enough. It would always slip through his fingers.