A State of Decay

Chapter 18

"Sorry I'm late!" Ms. Ono says. She arrives in the same fashion she always does--plopping down in the chair across from Izuku in a furry, depositing the large stack of binders and books she always has with her. "I'd say it's good to see you, but you look particularly down today. Why is that?" 

Izuku looks into the therapist's golden eyes and opens his mouth to speak, but he can't find the words. He isn't sure if he even wants to put what he's feeling into words. He's been a mess ever since he last spoke to Shigaraki and even more of a mess after running into Stain The Hero Killer. 

"I... Think I'm lost," Izuku says after a while. He clutches the fabric over his thighs and looks down at his red shoes. "I think I've been lost for a while." 

"I see," Ms. Ono replies. "What brought you to this realization?" 

"I sort of ran into someone the other day, and they said some things to me." Izuku looks back up at his therapist for a second before looking away. "They kind of gave me a reality check, if that makes sense."

He runs a hand through his green curls and tries to calm his nerves. He knows that talking about it might help. It's the only thing he can do right now that might help, so he has to try. 

"For a while, I was so sure of what I wanted. I chased after it for so long, but I think I kind of got lost along the way if that makes sense. I realized that I might have been chasing after the wrong thing." 

"What is it you're trying to achieve?" 

"Well, I've always wanted to be a hero—someone who helps others and always does the right thing. But I've—" Izuku inhales sharply as the words come to him. I've done some bad things I shouldn't have done, and I don't know if I can return from it. I don't know if I can be a hero anymore."

"Everyone makes mistakes, you know," Ms. Ono replies, her tone just as chipper as ever. "Things get dark sometimes, but the important thing to remember is that you can always come back from them. There's always a way back, even if it seems impossible and scary right now."

Izuku thinks about her words, but his heart still feels heavy. While he knows he wants to be a hero, he doesn't know if he deserves that title anymore. As Stain had said, Izuku hasn't done anything heroic in a while. He'd been conversing with villains, trying to side with them and get them to work with him. He's been sacrificing so much of himself for what he believed to be the greater cause, but all along, he was only straying further and further from the light. And now, he didn't feel like he deserved to be in that light anymore. 

He thought about his friends, who continued to be heroes after the war. They all seemed to be doing just fine. They were still saving people and doing the right thing. So why did it just Izuku feel so lost all the time? What was he missing? Why did nothing feel right? 

"I think you're overthinking things," Ms. Ono says, pulling Izuku from his thoughts. "You seem to do that a lot, and I think that's what's keeping you from being able to move on properly. From what I know about you, you played a huge part in the war. It's completely understandable that you're still grieving and trying to move on from everything. The healing process is different for everyone, and the path isn't ever going to be clear and recognizable." 

"I think people expect a lot from me," Izuku says quietly. "Heroes aren't supposed to be afraid. They're always supposed to know what to do. And the war, I think, kind of flipped everything upside down, and the expectations aren't as clear anymore. I always thought I was doing the right thing, but now, I'm just not sure." 

"It's okay to feel like that," she said. "Have you tried talking to any other heroes about this? Any of your friends?" 

"N-not really," Izuku admits. He knows he has a bad habit of internalizing everything. He did it back when the war started; he tried to distance himself from everyone because he thought it was the right thing to do. They had to drag him back and force him to realize that they were there for him. But now, it felt like he'd pushed them so far away that they weren't even trying to reach out anymore.