A State of Decay

Chapter 20

Tomura closes the door behind himself when he enters Midoriya's bedroom. They stand there looking at each other momentarily before the hero sighs and sits on his bed. 

Tomura knows he should say something first. He should start this conversation--but he just doesn't know how. He's never been good at this whole heart-to-heart thing. He doesn't know what he's allowed to say. 

He thinks about telling Midoriya about his real feelings. About how much he wants him. But it makes his chest hurt in a funny way, and when he tries to think of the right words to say, he gets a lump in the throat the size of All Might's left buttcheek. 

Eventually, he decides to break the silence. Midoriya won't even look at him, and fuck, Tomura just wants his little hero to look at him. 

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "For what happened last time. I'm sorry. I've wanted to explain it; I just... I'm really bad at this shit." He scratches the side of his neck anxiously but stops himself before he breaks the skin. Midoriya still isn't looking at him, and Tomura can feel his stomach twisting itself in knots. 

He's starting to think that he really fucked this up by kissing him at all. 

"You ran out on me," Midoriya says. And his voice is small and tight, and fuck, Tomura just wants to hold him. The hero sits with his head in his hands, his fingers pulling at the green curls on his head. 

"I did," Tomura whispers. "And I'm really sorry." 

He doesn't even know how to explain why he did what he did. He was afraid then of what it meant to be kissing him, and he was scared now. He is so, so scared. He brings his hands back down to his sides and clenches them into fists when they start to tremble and itch. Everything itches. He hates it. He hates that he can feel that itch crawling its way up his spine, and he hates that Midoriya won't look at him. 

Tomura takes in a shallow and shaky breath, and that's when Midoriya finally looks at him. 

His eyes, usually full of hope and light, are utterly empty. Tomura knows it's his fault, and it breaks his heart even more than it already is. He hates himself so much for ever making the man in front of him feel like this. 

"I want to explain why I did that," Tomura starts, his words strained. He sucks in another breath and doesn't take his eyes off of Midoriya's. "This-" he says, waving a hand between them. "Whatever this is, it's new to me. Every second I spend with you is different and new, and not anything I've ever felt before. And I guess I started to feel overwhelmed."

Midoriya doesn't say anything. Gods, Tomura just wants him to say something—but he doesn't. So, Tomura has to keep talking and apologizing until Midoriya accepts it. In his mind, he decides that he's not leaving here until things with Midoriya are patched up. He can't have things any other way. 

He realizes how much he needs him. He can't not have him, even if it just ends up with them as friends. He at least needs Midoriya to be able to look at him and talk to him. That's all he wants. He'll take what he can get. 

"I... M- Izuku... fuck, I need you in my life," he finally says. He wraps his arms around his middle as if to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. It feels like he might explode any second, and Midoriya's silence isn't helping. "I'm really sorry for leaving you like that. I won't ever do anything like that again. I just... I got overwhelmed. Like I said, this kind of thing is really new to me." 

He swallows hard. 

"I've... I've never kissed anyone before." He looks down at the floor, unable to watch Midoriya's reaction to this confession. Hell, it's embarrassing that Tomura has never kissed anyone at his age. He doesn't know how that might sound to Midoriya, and it makes him feel sick. Maybe Midoriya won't want someone as inexperienced and emotionally constipated as Tomura. So many possibilities are swirling around in his head that it's hard to keep his cool and not freak out. 

"I was your first kiss?" Midoriya asks shyly. When Tomura finally looks up at the hero sitting in front of him, his eyes fill with a curious look that Tomura can't quite place. He wishes to slither into Midoriya's mind and see what he's thinking, but he knows that would be an overstep right now. So, instead, he has to handle this like a normal person and feel things out for himself. Upon closer inspection, he can see a faint blush on the hero's cheeks, making Tomura blush in response. 

"You were," Tomura admits. "And... I liked it. A lot. Maybe too much." 

"So, you ran away because you were feeling... shy?" Midoriya prods. Tomura's blush deepens, and his hands grip around his torso even tighter. Tomura only nods, letting his hair fall down in front of his face to hopefully hide the embarrassing rouge color spreading across his cheeks. 

"I tried to reach out a lot," The ex-villain adds. "I really tried. I realize that running away wasn't the best course of action, and you have every right to hate me." 

Gods, sometimes Tomura wishes that Midoriya would just hate him already. It would make things so much easier. Then, he wouldn't keep hurting the damned guy over and over again. He hated it, and himself, for letting the hero get so close in the first place. 

But All Might on a fucking sale, he can't imagine his life without him. 

Midoriya suddenly appears in front of Tomura, and his stomach does cartwheels. The hero pulls his hands away from his torso, trying to loosen him up. He then puts his hand on Tomura's chin, and electricity shoots through him, stemming from that single, simple touch. 

"Tomura, look at me," Midoriya whispers. The sound of his name so intimately being whispered sends chills down his spine. Everything inside of him is on fire, making him want to run again, but he won't. Even if every instinct inside him is telling him to turn tail and leave before this has a chance of blowing up in his face, he won't. He gently lifts his chin until he's facing the hero. 

Midoriya palms Tomura's cheek, stroking a thumb across his cheekbone as their eyes meet. He can't tell what Midoriya is thinking, and it kills him. He also wants to kiss him. He also wants to die. Everything is so goddamn confusing. 

"I thought that maybe I'd done something wrong, and that's why you left. I'm sorry I kept you blocked out like that," Midoriya finally says, his tone soft and reassuring. "That's on me. And I'm really sorry I didn't give you a chance to explain anything. I was just so scared that I'd done something wrong to make you act like that." 

"You definitely didn't do anything wrong," Tomura says, and he feels his face heat up even more.

"So... you liked it, then? The..." Midoriya tiptoes around it, and he can see the color red creeping up around the hero's neck, but Tomura knows what he's asking. 

"Very much," he replies with a tight voice. He leans into the hand still cradling his face and closes his eyes, relishing the feeling of being touched so gently. Tomura had always been weird about touch, even with his friends, but Midoriya was different—so, so different. He craved it on a level he'd never craved anything else in his entire life. 

"W-would you be okay if we..." Midoriya trails off, and Tomura hopes and prays that he's asking what he thinks he's asking. The hero leans closer a minuscule amount, if even at all. Tomura's breath hitches. 

"Please," he strains. 

With no further words shared between the two, Midoriya finally leans forward and closes that tense, achingly distant gap between their lips.