Blinded by the Truth (Jayfeather x reader)

Chapter 17

Consciousness was tugging [Y/A/N] awake, but she didn't want to. Not now, not ever. She heard Leafpool lecturing Jaypaw, she heard Jaypaw muttering curses under his breath as he took mouse-bile from the herb store. 

She heard Poppyfrost come into the medicine den because of a scratch, she heard so many things in her clan. [Y/A/N] wanted to be asleep forever. She had to wake up. Jaypaw needed to do his duties, and she needed to help him. 

But why? Honeyfern's advice still rang in her ears. She couldn't be with Jaypaw. His future was far more important than hers, and her job was to protect him. She felt a small glimmer of happiness whenever she saw Jaypaw's clean pelt, without a single claw mark on it. I've protected him. He's safe.

At night, Jaypaw shared the same nest as her. It hurt her to see him so sad. I'm so sorry. Lionpaw came into the medicine den daily to check on [Y/A/N] and to lecture Jaypaw about being a mouse-heart. None of which were true. [Y/A/N] wished she could defend Jaypaw. 

But why?  My future was never supposed to be with him. Honeyfern was right. She didn't need to defend Jaypaw. Maybe she already accepted the fact that she could only be with Lionpaw and no more. She didn't even dare hope.

Jaypaw buried his nose into [Y/A/N]'s fur. "Please wake up," he whispered. He stayed there for a while, then examined her wound again. Again and again. Again and again. [Y/A/N] imagined Jaypaw thinking, why do I try? It's not getting better.

"Don't leave me," he whispered into her ear, then left the den. [Y/A/N] was left alone in silence once more. As [Y/A/N] slept, she had the same recurring nightmare. Of their kits. First, she was in a nest with four squirming kits. Then, they would look at her with stunningly blue eyes and say, "You'll never have us!" 

Each time, their insults grew worse:

"You'll never get him

"Stop trying."

"Why are you still clinging on to that tiny bit of hope?"

And worst of all, "He'll never love you back."

[Y/A/N] forced her exhausted paws to shift. Just one small movement, to tell Jaypaw that she was still alive. He let out a gasp of pure joy. If she could speak, [Y/A/N] would tell him, 'What, you thought I was dead?'

Whenever Jaypaw was beside her, [Y/A/N] felt as if she weren't in her own body. She could have left it, but what was the point anyway? [Y/A/N] felt as if a fox's jaws were clamped around her heart. Jaypaw was so close, yet so far. 

Jaypaw lay, twitching beside her. [Y/A/N] rested her tail gently on his shoulder. Her internal clock told her that it was now moonhigh. The time that I promised Lionpaw that I would go hunting with him. 

But Lionpaw was a mere apprentice. He couldn't punish her, even if he was a moon older than her. [Y/A/N] would get her warrior name before him, according to Sorreltail. And Jaypaw? The annoying voice in [Y/A/N]'s brain asked. Jaypaw can punish me by lying close to me each night, [Y/A/N] responded.

I need to be sent to a mental hospital. 30% of the content in this book is from my dreams. Yes, I dream abt this stuff. Help me.