Late Night Thoughts

You'll Never See This and I'm Glad

Silently we watch from afar
Each others lives and mistakes
Successes and milestones
In those youthful years, we found end to our boredom
I had some games in mind, you had others
God sent me a dream recently about you
Now you haunt me more than ever
Do you haunt me now because I'm searching for reason?
Or am I only just now able to recall you
In your metamorphosis from prey post hunting season?
I know that one day all too soon
I'll have to face those memories
I wrote the first draft of this very letter
Last night and woke up half-asleep
Such is the way my mind revolts
When I consider times like these
But I want so badly to shudder
Anytime it may come to light
*
I still feel the bowl, or the branch in your hand
I remember now the bird and its eggs
I see the cheap light on cheap blue sheets
I taste the muddy water
And remove sticks from between my teeth
Inquisitive expressions for your longest running experiment
At times, some remnant of pride
Such was that chapter of my youth
*
Do I venture into insanity with these dreams?
Or am I only blocked by denial?
Were you the mold that ate away at the floor
On which I've tried to stand?
Can I even blame you after decades of lonely pain?
I saw truth in your eyes since
You tested, I passed of course
Did you know that I was wise to your quiz?
Your very presence angered me for which I had no reason
I was still so afraid of you, and now I want to know why
I don't crave these inklings
These small doses which I always have to question
I want the truth, but besides you
The only one who can answer is dead
So, my mouth must remain shut, as always
Until the truth comes around, even then
Our secrets stay locked
So stay where you are.
Better yet, travel further.
You have no business around me anymore
Your apology meant nothing all those years ago
It wouldn't have even if I'd known what it was for
Your whispers mean nothing
Except you either know what you've done,
Though you can do nothing to change it
Or your ego is so great that you don't care
I shouldn't hate you, I know I should forgive you
But if these dreams are true,
Your hatred for the one who poisoned you,
only poisoned me
Stay where you are and let me live.