~Mental pain~ Matt Sturniolo

𝟏𝟗. Never gone

Helloww everyone!

I wanted y'all to know that I'm going on a holiday tomorrow so I won't post a lot the next few days.

T.W. mention of self harm, depression, fluff.
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Today waking up was even harder than yesterday. Matt wakes up with heavy eyelids. He looks on his clock, seeing it's nine in the morning, he groans and turns around to lay on his belly. He suddenly feels the immense need to cry. Why? How is he supposed to know? He doesn't cry though, not even a single tear. After an hour of just laying there in the same position his eyes get too heavy to keep open and he slides back into sleep.

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"Is Matt still asleep?" Nick asks Chris when he walks into the kitchen. "Yeah." Chris sighs. His eyes reflecting worry. "I think he's getting worse." He yawns. Nick says nothing and just grabs some breakfast.

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Matt looks on his phone, one PM. He sighs and starts to scroll through TikTok. He then hears a knock on his door. Matt just groans in response. Chris opens the door. "Hey buddy." He says softly while walking up to Matt and sitting down on his bed. "How are you doing?" He asks, worry lacing through his voice.

"Tired." Matt says with a muffled voice.

"Tired?" Chris repeats.

"Mhm.."
Chris sighs and runs a hand through his brother's hair. "You want breakfast?" Matt nods reluctantly. "I'll get Nick to bring you some." He text Nick and then looks up at Matt again. "Want me to stay with you?" Matt nods again.

Chris pulls the sheets up and gets in next to Matt, throwing an arm around him and pulling him close so Matt can rest his head on his chest. Matt lets Chris hold him close and relaxes when he feels Chris striking his hair.

Matt's eyes start to get glossy again, feeling an intense feeling of sadness wash over him for no reason. He suddenly feels absolutely miserable and wants nothing more than to cry in his brother's arms. But he again, doesn't. He only lets out a frustrated groan, burying his face further in Chris's chest. He doesn't understand, he thought he was better. He thought he would never have to feel like this again. That he would never have feel this miserable feeling again.

He feels Chris softly rubbing his arm and hears a, "shh, it's okay." As a response to the groan that just escaped his mouth. Matt only wants to cry more at that. He then hears his bedroom door open. Nick comes in with breakfast. He feels Chris starting to sit up, except every little limb in his body suddenly tells him that he's way to comfortable with rested eyes to sit up and eat breakfast.

"I don't want to." He says bluntly.  He can almost smell Chris and Nick's expressions drop. "Matt.. we talked about this, you need food." Chris says hesitantly. "I don't care." Matt responds. Nick an Chris look at each other, both hesitant.

Nick reluctantly grabs the plate with food and brings it back to the kitchen and Chris lies back down while pulling Matt close to him again.

"Are you okay?" Chris asks softly.

The question echo's through Matt's head loudly. 'Are you okay?' Am I? Matt has no idea. He thought he was. He thought all the bad things were over. The depression, the anxiety, the self harm. He thought he was better. He needed to be better. He believed it. So why is he not okay? Why is he still, feeling like this? What is wrong with him?

He looks up to face Chris who is looking at him with a worried expression. 'Are you okay?'

"I don't know.." he whispers softly while looking away again and resting his head back on the younger's chest. He feels Chris's fingers slowly going through his hair. "That's okay." Chris says softly, his voice full of sympathy. Matt lets a single tear fall from his eyes. 'I thought I was better.' Repeatedly spinning through his head.

Chris turns on his side, causing Matt to shift off him and pulls him closer to his chest, now Chris faced towards Matt. Matt pushes his face in Chris's chest while Chris hides himself in Matt's soft curls. Matt tightens his grip on Chris's torso slightly, as if he's asking him not to leave.

"Go to sleep Matty." Chris says softly while he plays around with a strand of Matt's brunette hair. The touch being surprisingly soothing lulls Matt slowly into the comforting feeling of sleep.

Chris knows it's better for Matt to let him rest these days. He knows it's the only way to keep Matt away from his own thoughts.
Except he also knows that Matt thought it was over. It's a dumb thought, really. You can't just get rid of things like anxiety. Matt was just in denial. He's angry he's not like other people who don't have to struggle.
'Normal people' as he calls them.

He thought he was better.

And it absolutely breaks Chris's and Nick's heart to see him realize it isn't that 'easy'.