HIS DOLL

88- Becoming Crazy

Enervated, even this baby failed to fill that gap of hollowness. My life became a weight on myself, I found it extremely hard to exist.

I couldn't do this anymore, I was disappointed in myself.

At this rate, I would be razed in an irrecoverable way, or, perhaps, I had already reached that point?

I had no idea.

"NO!!"

Screaming, whimpering, lost, I fell on my knees again and was about to slam my hands down again from the agony.

But, before I could injure my hands more, a pair of large hands were wrapped around mine, refraining me to continue my dismay.

"Aalifa! What the hell are you doing?!"

A gasping, breathless, staggered resonance came from Zaviyaar who just returned. In a white shirt, roughly rolled sleeves and three buttons opened with scattered hairs.

Not in the best condition, his state worsened to find me anguished too. Sniffling, I merely jumped into his chest, throwing both of us to the ground.

"Stop them, Zaviyaar! Tell them to stop!"

Burying my face in his chest, I clutching him desperately, libertarian my tears.

"Stop it, Zaviyaar! Please! Tell him to go away!"

I intended to not tell Zaviyaar and destroy his happiness too. That was 'my' regret, my hatred.

My choices were hurting me, I didn't want to involve him.

Moreover, tell him that the child, for whom, he had become madly devoted, was a... mistake from my side.

"Tell who, Darling? What happened?" He whispered worriedly, embracing me tightly to hold me near his chest as he made us sit.

I refused to let him go and sat on his lap.

"I find him glaring at me, tell him to leave,"

I begged, hiding my face in his neck with my tears soaking his shirt and crushing breaths that weren't allowing me to continue.

"Tell who? Who is bothering you? Tell me, my love," He gulped.

Removing my hand from my forehead along with tears to make me stare, totally shaken at my display of weakness.

He knew I was losing myself but didn't expect that breakdown.

"A-Asim, Zaviyaar. I.. I feel him hating me for loving you, c-cursing me for marrying y-you, glaring at me when I hold you,"

I ended up stammering, releasing a proper straight sentence became too much for me. Digging my nail on his broad shoulder, I was extremely frightened.

And decided to hide in his arms but that didn't do anything.

He was flabbergasted, cupping my cheeks to force me to stare.

"Aalifa, there is no one, Asim is dead. He is not here, not between us,"

He continued, forcing a trembling smile that also brought a tear near his eyes.

He couldn't watch the love of life reaching a destructive point.

"He is, Zaviyaar. He hates me for loving you," I whispered, holding his collar, shaking him to listen to me.

Having no words to comfort me, he pressed me into his chest as I continued crying and he pulled us up from the ground.

"Zaviyaar!"

I wept and ended up raising my voice at the abrupt action, pulling him that made him lose his step but thankfully he balanced.

"Hey, hey, it's alright. Don't worry," He murmured, pulling me upward so I could listen to his heart beats for some equanimity.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I was sheltered in his arms.

Gripping his shirt, I shut my eyes rigidly. My shaky lips were dying to inhale some air but that couldn't lessen my weight, emitting muffled sobs.

"Shh, I am here now."

He was trembling, my condition scared him. He was stunned yet encased his posture to hold me. He won't let me fall apart... right?

He placed me on the bed and held my hands firmly, kissing them.

"Zaviyaar..."

Narrowing my eyes, I sobbed. Showing compassion, he cupped my cheek with his one hand, wiping my stream of tears with his thumb.

"What happened, Aalifa? What did you do?"

He questioned softened, eyes cascading when a trail of blood from my arm reached him. He gave me a glass of water to settle my cries.

I could feel the lump that would release another booming sob but I swallowed it down yet the idea of where this exhaustion led me caused me to panic.

"I thought giving him justice would help but it isn't. I am so scared. Am I haunted? Am I going crazy? Is there-"

Before I could continue hysterically and grow wild due to a remorse that had become unbearable for me.

I carried, and carried, but I was tired. I couldn't do this anymore.

"Aalifa, Aalifa, there is nothing wrong with you, nothing is happening." He whispered, forcing himself to smile to soothe me and rose from the bed but I gripped his wrist.

"Where are you going?" I almost panicked, not allowing him to go away.

"Let me grab the first aid kit, it's alright," He mumbled, giving my hand a firm squeeze before going back to grab the kit and sitting beside me.

Lowering my gaze shamefully, I had no idea how to justify my breakdown. Holding the pillow on my lap with all my force, my blurry and watery eyes were down.

"You are only heartbroken, I can understand, Darling, lay down and rest, I am here now. No one will harm you,"

Zaviyaar sighed when he noticed my hesitation, running his fingers down to my locks to console but his actions weren't helping yet I wanted him to continue.

"I feel suffocated, I find it so hard to continue. If it wasn't for the baby I might have done something to myself."

Not laying down, I began to express the heftiness I was carrying around my throat which I could hold on anymore.

"Why? What is it?"

To his worried question, I gathered my courage to meet his hopeless eyes and with a frayed tear, I confessed, which probably hurt him beyond explanation.

"Because when I look at you I see all the mistakes in my life."