HIS DOLL

89- Confessions

To say he was shocked would be an understatement, he was flabbergasted. It took him a few moments to register what I meant.

"W-What?"

Yet he questioned again for his own confirmation.

"I fell for the man who killed my fiancé. I became stubborn and so angry with this world that I chose to be your mistress than to fight,"

Maintaining a fair distance, wiping the tear glistening on my cheek, I forced myself to continue. I couldn't carry these heavy feelings in me anymore.

"I willingly submitted myself. I committed sins with you, I did Zina. I do so many wrong things, am I ever going to be forgiven for my sins?"

Lowering my head out of shame, I pressed my palm harder into my chest. Maybe committing sins might not be a big deal for him.

But, my life had always been a cluster of wrongdoings and I couldn't carry with further guilt.

Bringing my hand closer to clutch his shirt, tears began to blur my vision when I scoot closer and asked desperately.

"Each time we touch I feel Asim staring at me. I am asking you seriously, Zaviyaar."

I hesitated. "How?"

Failing to speak properly from continuous crying and hurting my throat, I continued in a broken tone.

"How did you make me forget Asim's murder? Was it that cheap that I... forgot it?"

He attempted to turn his head away but I forced him to stare back. My lips were shaking, my mind was hazy.

"Please tell me, that guilt is killing me each second. I hate myself for it."

Clutching my chest, I was about to break into a sob but wiping the tears gleaming in the corner, he was awkward but for my consolation, he told me.

"I... knew you wouldn't submit so I lied... which at first you obviously didn't believe."

"Exactly. How come any sane or normal woman would become the mistress of her lover's murderer. How did you do it?" I whispered, bringing my hand down to clutch his firmly.

"You won't love me if you came to know,"

To which I expressed the harsh truth, "Even if I want, I can't love you properly, Zaviyaar."

"I see all my regrets, my faults, my wrong choices before me. But at least, don't keep me in the dark, it would make me insane to think how or why," I whimpered, sniffling to not fall apart.

He sighed, pulling me into his chest. Burying my face there, I kept holding him, shaking as I believe hearing won't affect me.

I only needed to know, that was all.

"I... locked you in Asim's room for a month in the beginning, where I didn't even visit you after lying Asim gave you to me."

"What... about that?" I blinked, not understanding.

"Imagine, while mourning, a few weeks after his death, you are locked in his room, how devastating it must be."

Yes, I agree, It was. But, I still couldn't understand.

Holding my shoulders, he pulled us apart with hesitation and distress creeping on his features while I was bewildered.

"That... weakened you mentally so badly that you started acting weird... You lost your mentality long ago in that room."

When he enunciated properly, my heartbeats dropped dread into anticipation. My voice tightened around my throat when I remembered seeing his apparition there but I ignored them.