~Mental pain~ Matt Sturniolo

𝟐𝟔. I'm scared of y'all!!

Hellow.

Didn't expect for a chapter to be released today. I thought if we wanted Matt to struggle with mental health shit why not throw some derealization in it? This will not be accurate to everyone because I based this on my personal experiences with derealization. I just wanted to throw the shit in here that other people don't. Some people write fanfics and are like "yo Nick I think I got depression." And then Matt cries and they all hug and have a happy ending.
'Depression' my ass bruh. If your story is not like this you don't have to take offense. And if it is you should probably do some research. (Respectfully, please don't get mad at me)

I just want for people to realize that depression is (usually) like way deeper than just feeling sad. Like, it's deeper than the titanic. There's so much people just brushing the small, important things off. I'm not trying to offend anyone here but I'm sure anyone else who has experienced depression would agree with me. And it sucks really bad.
Not saying im better than anyone because the writers on here are so talented and way better at writing than me. I'm also not saying if you want to write about depression to do all these things I'm just talking about the one shots that are 50 words long and written by an 8yo

(please dont get mad at me😭😭)

Also don't mind me going off topic in the end of the story and please understand how hard it is to explain derealization I tried my very best. Keep in mind I based this off my experiences!!

Nooo I wanted to make this a chapter with all three of them but Nick is not here😭😭😭😭

Btw there's probably no chapter coming tomorrow bc I have to sit in a car for 10 hours. Love y'all!❤️❤️

!!Not proofread yet!!

T.W. fluff, derealization, crying, cursing.

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𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨.
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Ever since Matt was little he would have these moments where everything seemed unreal. He would feel like he's two parts, a spirit and a body. Like he's detached from reality. Nothing would seem real anymore and Matt would mindlessly walk around the house, like he was trying to find reality. The world around him seemed odd. He would feel trapped in his body, desperate to leave. Desperate for the need to get out. He would zone out for a good twenty minutes and drown in himself. Nick and Chris know about this, it happened often during their childhood but they never really understood it or found a good approach to it. They'd always just let him be, which wasn't always the greatest choice.

Matt looks up at the ceiling. He feels so out of it. So comfortable yet so distressed. The cold wooden floor cooling his body through the thin sleep shirt he's wearing. The sounds of the house echoing through his ears like it's a movie scene. He can see himself from above, laying on the kitchen floor. He doesn't 'see' it, no he really sees it. The ceiling that seemed so boring and empty this morning suddenly became way more interesting. So many spots to look at, yet he still can't see it right. His sight seems so far away, like there's an empty space behind his eyes. Where the true eyes are. The sound of footsteps walking through the house that become loud and empty. The world is cold. So fucking cold. If I move now, will my arms listen to me? His body is numb, he only feels tingling inside of his bones.
He was wandering around the house when he suddenly felt weak in his knees and decided to fall down on the kitchen floor.

"Matt?" A distant voice says. "Dude what are you doing?" The voice asks him again. Matt hears it but his mouth fails to leave any words. Instead he chuckles mindlessly. His pupils dilating as he licks his teeth. "I think I'm going insane." His throat brings out with an empty voice. Matt asks himself if he's a robot, if he's malfunctioning. Is Chris a robot? What would happen if he'd pour water over himself? Matt bets he would malfunction and die.

"Matt it's five in the morning." Chris says with a raspy voice. "I love being awake at night." Matt mutters. Chris sighs and walks over to Matt bending over to inspect Matt's face. His pupils are slightly dilated and wide open without blinking. He sees that Matt has been biting his lips because his underlip is split and skin is peeled off. Right now he's biting his tongue. In his eyes Chris can see a small spark of discomfort. "Alright babe," Chris sighs while kneeling down next to Matt and trying to get him up. "Matt, you're gonna have to work with me here." Chris says with a slightly annoyed tone in his voice. But Matt clearly doesn't want to get off the floor Chris groans and lifts Matt up. Matt gasps at sudden movement but when Chris has steadily picked him up he relaxes his body again and whines. "Chriss.." his speech is slurred and Chris sees that Matt is busy trying to find a place to stare at. he bites his tongue harshly and looks around. The echo's of his and Chris's breathing fill his ears just as the footsteps and the silence of the house. He feels like he isn't in his body. His mind creates another image of him from above and he's suddenly in a movie scene again. Chris worriedly looks down at his brother who is wildly moving his eyes around and biting his tongue.

"Stop biting your tongue Matty, it's gonna start bleeding." But Matt doesn't listen and keeps doing what he does. Chris sighs and gently lets Matt down on his bed. "There ya go." He smiles while tucking Matt in and sitting on the edge of the bed. He gently runs a hand through Matt's hair and watches as his brother looks around with a disoriented expression. "Chris." He softly says, his voice suddenly being soft and fragile. Chris's eyebrows slightly raise at the tone but doesn't stop slowly running his fingers through his hair. "I'm scared Chris." He says more silent. Chris looks at him confused. "Why are you scared bub?" He asks. Matt sighs, knowing he won't understand.
"I feel so weird, like I'm not real."

Chris thinks for a second, feeling confused. It's silent for minutes. Chris hates those silent seconds, he hates the feeling of not understanding Matt's feelings. He wants to more than anything. He wants to help his brother, to make him feel better. But he simply has no idea what to do with this information.
So instead of using his words he just switches to what he knows will help Matt, what he knows will soothe him. The younger opens his arms, "C'mere." He says. And Matt doesn't have to be told twice. He mindlessly throws himself into Chris's arms. Inhaling his body scent and relaxing his body when Chris rubs his back in random shapes. The feeling of protection Chris gives him immediately calms his soul. He inhales deeply and lets his body get taken over by comfort.

Chris then lets his body fall down on the bed, dragging Matt along him so they're now laying down and facing each other in a sideways position. Chris looks at Matt's face, Matt is not looking at him. He's completely zoned out again. Chris lets worry take over his body when he realizes how fast Matt has zoned out again. He moves his hand to Matt's jaw and lifts the boy's head in a gentle motion. Matt and Chris lock eyes. Matt looks desperate out of his eyes. His face is relaxed, but his eyes say it all. His eyes tell Chris he's scared, they tell him he doesn't know what is happening with him. Chris hates the feeling of not understanding his feelings, so his gaze softens when he realizes that's how Matt feels right now. He slowly leans forward and pulls the most gentle move he ever has, pressing a tender kiss on the boy's nose. Matt's eyes flutter close at the amount of softness and affection is in the small gesture, feeling pain and immense gratefulness in his heart. He feels Chris pressing his forehead against his own, their noses touching. Matt listens to the steady breathing of his brother and lets his spirit finally relax. and then Chris starts ranting.

"It's going to be okay Matty. Nick and I will take care of you no matter what, and we'll protect till you die, okay? No matter what you feel we will always be here for you. If you're either feeling the tiniest tingle of anxiety or need to be wrapped in bandages, we will be there to support you, take care of you, hold you, comfort you. You'll never have to feel alone again. And I know that you don't know what feeling right now, and I get it, it sucks. But we'll help you understand yourself. We'll help you get through life. Whether you want to or not. You're going to be okay, I promise." He tells Matt.

And Matt feels like Chris has just wrapped his arms around his heart and squeezed it in a hug, holding it together when it broke. Chris has never said such soothing words before. His heart warms at the younger's softness and tears start to fill Matthew's eyes. "I love you so much." Matt sobs, his voice breaking. Chris is surprised at the reaction from his brother. Did he really make that big of an impact? He can't help but let a shocked, light hearted chuckle escape his mouth. "Ahw Matty." He smiles while bringing the slightly crying boy in his arms. "I love you too, so much more." He soothes while massaging Matt's scalp.

"We're in this together Matty."