Kris and Kit

Chapter 26 ~ What Have I Done

Kit

I didn't tell anyone about it, not until lunch the next day. Sitting between Kris and Sherry, I didn't talk much at first. There was nothing I wanted to talk about. Slowly, I nibbled at my food with a blank expression. Kris and Riley were telling the table about a new videogame, Sherry listening intently. Then Kris turned to me and frowned. "What's wrong?" she asked me. The table fell silent.

Kris almost never asked me if I was okay; she usually just knew that something was wrong and skipped to the what's bothering me part. Sighing, I willed myself to look up at her. "My parents were researching conversion therapy and... camps," my voice quaked. I watched as Kris's eyes widened in shock, her mouth agape.

"Holy shit," Jo whispered.

"Um," Sherry began, but she was still trying to think of what to say. I could tell they were all disturbed. I felt nothing. "I know it looks bad," Sherry said, "but maybe... maybe they were just thinking about it and won't actually do it. Maybe they were looking at that stuff for some other reason, I mean, how would they even know you're gay?"

"I don't know," I replied quietly. "Maybe something on my phone gave it away."

Sophie was staring at me with a sympathetic frown on her face. Jo looked pissed off with her lips pursed, brow furrowed, and arms crossed. The others were shocked and afraid. I still felt nothing. Maybe if I still felt numb after school, I could come out to my sister. I needed someone to talk to in my family, and she seemed to be most likely to accept me.

That evening after dinner, I made the walk down the hall to my sister's bedroom and knocked on her door. Feelings of anxiety were starting to stab me in the chest and stomach, and then my whole body was on fire. My sister yelled at me to come in. I walked inside, closed the door softly, and sat on her chair. Looking helplessly at her, I waited until she noticed me and removed her earbuds. "What's up?" she asked.

"Mom and dad were um... researching something disturbing. I saw their search history."

She sat on her bed across from me, ready to listen. "Like what?"

"Conversion therapy. Camps for gay kids," I answered, the words choking me.

Addy's eyes narrowed in confusion. She sat there like that for a minute, just thinking. "Why would they do that?" she finally asked.

This was when I could tell her. Maybe they found out I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm a lesbian. Different versions of my response popped up in my head, and I tried to pick one. "Um... I think they... know. That I'm... gay," I whispered, the last word barely audible. I felt like a dirty mistake. Nobody wants to find out there's a lesbian in the family. It ruins the image. I was a burden. I could picture my parents asking why I had to do this to them; why did I have to be gay. I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost didn't hear Addy's reply.

"It's okay, Kit," she smiled. She patted my shaking hand, which was pressed to my lap. "Now mom and dad wouldn't send you somewhere. You're like their baby. Plus, they don't even know you're gay."

"Well if they don't know, then they suspect it," I told her in a hushed voice. "Can you go ask them about the search history?"

"Me?" Addy blinked.

"Please? I'll go with you," I begged.

When Addy agreed to ask for me, the two of us went to the living room, where our parents were sitting together on the couch. They looked at Addy and me, maybe wondering why the two of us had entered the room side-by-side with serious looks on our faces.

"Hi girls," my dad grinned at us.

"Dad," Addy spoke, sitting down on the floor in front of him. I sat next to her. "I saw some search history on the computer for conversion therapy and such. What's all that about?" she questioned, getting right to the point.