Ocean Of Need

❤️ 55 🖤 Ache

June 11th Continued...

Something's happening. My bed is moving. I can't move. Everything is black. Someone is trying to kill me.

'Lilah, wake up. It's me, Roxy. You're ok. I've got you.'

'Roxy?' I crack open my eyes, sitting straight up in bed. The light is too bright. This time I'm Lilah. A poet. This isn't a job. I'm not with Jameson. This is my new life. With you. Where are you? You were just here. Weren't you?

'Roxy? Where's Mac?'

'He cleared out a week ago Little Bird. Don't you remember?'

He's not here. It was just a dream. I check my wrists for rope burns but my skin is clear. It felt so real. He told me not to give up on him. But every where leads to a dead end and I don't know what else to do. I guess either he can't be found, or he doesn't want to be.

'You were screaming about never letting go. Did you have a bad dream?'

I nod, because even though it was a good dream, now that I'm awake everything is bad again. I'm living an inverse nightmare.

'What's happening? I've been calling you. I was worried. Then Freya called this morning, said you're not talking to anyone except her. That even when she takes you out it's like you're not really there. She asked me to come. I've never known her to worry about anyone this way before. Surely this can't all be over a man?'

What can I tell her? My heart crushes itself with every beat it takes? I thought he'd come back for me like a Knight In Shining Armour? That my unconscious mind still believes in the fairy tale and so I've invented a whole sub plot where Mac didn't really kiss a crimson girl in a swinging cage?

'Little Bird, you can't stay in the dark like this. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help.'

'He wasn't just a man,' I mumble. 'He was everything.'

She winces, and says, 'No, he really wasn't. If he was, he'd have fought harder to keep you. He'd have treated you better while he had you. He'd have let you know where he was, and when he'd come back. He was a bad dom. That's not how you treat a sub.' She puts her face close to mine. Her nose touching my nose, till her eyes become one big brown one. 'You deserve more. He doesn't get to put you through this much pain. Don't give him that. He's just a fuck boy. Not a dom.'

But I know he's not a fuck boy. I know I'm the one who fucked up. I left that poem. I let him down by not giving him a chance to communicate. My stomachs rolls thinking of him coming back for me and finding that stupid silly shallow poem. It hurt him. I hurt him. And that's the worst part of it. I caused him pain.

'You remember when I wrote that poem.' I say.

She nods.

'He came back. Did Freya tell you? He came back and read the poem.' I reach into my bedside drawer and pass her the poem.

She reads my words, as if they are totally reasonable.

'Now turn it over.' I say.

She turns it over and I see his words again, scratched out in black capitals, 'EMPTY ROOM.' At the sight of them I curl over on myself all over again. 'I hurt him.'

'Hey,' she murmurs and rubs my back, 'Stop doubting yourself. This is all on him. This is a game he plays. He gets you all confused. Takes all your power to fill himself up because that's the only way he can feel full. He thinks the room is empty because you took your power back and he hasn't got any of his own. He's empty. Not the room. Not you.'

'But that's awful,' I cry. 'He has so much to give. He's so talented. Has such a beautiful mind. I don't want him to feel empty.'

'But Baby, you can't fill him up. No one can. Not until he learns how to do it himself. You have to think of you now. You have to pick yourself up off the floor. How long are you going to wait for him? He's moved on... You should too.'

It's the same thing Jameson said. It hurts to hear, but they're right. Mac has shut me out. He's not coming back. I don't belong to him anymore and he doesn't belong to me. It was just some silly dream. It was all just a silly dream.

'I don't belong to anyone,' I murmur as my stupid heart collapses.

She kneels on the bed, puts a hand on each of my shoulders and says, 'Yes you do. You belong to you. That's everything.'

'But he won't protect me anymore,' I cry as I look up at her.

'It was him that you needed protecting from, it was him that was hurting you.'

'You think he did it on purpose?'

'I think it's his thing. He creates an ache. Builds it, stirs it. I've seen him do it before. It's a form of control.'

'Who to?'

Her chin wobbles and she bites her lip. 'He did it to someone I know. She thought he was in love with her. He made her fall in love with him. Painted pictures of her too. Made her ache for him endlessly. And then left.'

'Oh my god?' I gasp. 'You're fucking kidding me.'

'Nope. This is what he does.'

'What happened to her? Your friend... what did she do.'

Roxy swallows and says, 'She got over him...eventually. But she never loved the same way after him. She could never be that soft sweet girl that she was before.'

So this really is what you do. You really were just playing with me. Every time you went away I spent all my time aching for you, missing you, but you were playing a game. You were building the ache. I take a deep breath. My head feels like it's clearing. I feel lighter. I was right to end it. 'I need to move on.'

'I know. I can help you with that. I'm moving in for a week. Freya's given me the room next to yours. I've never known her to look after anyone the way she looks after you.'

I smile, 'That's cool.'

'Yes, and believe it or not, we are going to have a good time.'

I frown, and say, 'Jesus Rox, you're asking for the moon here.'

'Yes, well, we'll start out small. I'm not expecting miracles. First of all you're going to have a shower. You smell real bad, Baby.' She holds her nose with one hand and makes a fanning movement with the other. It's such a shock that I laugh. 'I'm not even joking Little Bird, you stink.'

I dive up from the bed, knocking her backwards and land on top of her, pushing my armpit in her face as she screams and laughs, and suddenly we're both screaming and laughing, and the light doesn't seem too bright anymore.